You know what’s crazy? I’ll tell you what’s crazy!
Another group of alleged experts telling me how to better live my life.
According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, hot dogs are the number one choking risk to kids. The AA of P is even recommending that hot dogs be redesigned.
Really?
When is it all just too much? When are the lists going to choke me as a parent.
I can see swallowing a baby doll head as being dangerous. I can see eating cat hair being a concern. But hot dogs? Really? And redesign a hot dog. It’s a disgusting sack of God Knows what. How do you think we should redesign it? Should we shove this mystery mess into a bag shaped like a T-Bone steak! Nobody would choke on that because nobody would eat it.
For God’s sakes. I know that some kids choke every year when they eat hot dogs. Sadly kids choke every year when they eat lots of stuff including marbles, and ball bearings and rocks. Maybe parents could do a better job cutting the hot dog up for their tiny tykes. Maybe that same parent could actually pay attention to their child as they eat. Then if junior happens to swallow some mac n cheese, milk, Ritz Crackers, or a hot dog down the wrong pipe, then said parent can quickly act to dislodge said piece of food.
Where’s the list on parents who have pulled something long and gooey out of their kid’s esophagus. Is your hand raised? mine is.
Here’s a news flash for you American Academy of Pediatrics; kid’s choke on stuff.
My kid had a real problem with bacon. Where was my warning label when I needed it:
DANGER: SWALLOWING BACON COULD CAUSE CHOKING.
SERIOUSLY.
The first time my son began gagging on a stringy piece of Oscar Meyer bacon, I acted quickly and probably saved my kid’s life. I pried open his mouth, stuck my fingers down his throat, and like a daddy crab, used my pincher fingers to grab onto the hunk of pork blocking his wind pipe.
WOOOOSH.
That was the sound of air filling his little lungs.
“You Ok?” I said.
With tears in his eyes, he said; “Yes.”
“Well slow down and chew your food,” I said.
He nodded.
And you know what I did next American Academy of Pediatrics? I tore his bacon into tiny bits that were much easier for him to chew and swallow.
HMMMMM? Imagine that. Some parenting on the fly.
Did I turn my back and start mainling heroin? No. I watched the boy, to make sure he was chewing, swallowing and then breathing.
It’s called parenting people.
I didn’t need a warning label nor did I have to report this incident to my local sheriff’s department. I simply engaged life head on and adapted, which is all any parent can do.
I will say, the results when viewed in a vacuum are sobering: According to American Academy of Pediatrics, hot dogs account for 17% of food-related asphyxiations in those younger than 10.
What the survey doesn’t say is where were the parents of the children who were choking. What were the parents of the 17% doing while their children tried to inhale hot dog? We’re they free basing crack cocaine, or surfing the internet downloading Asian Porn?
I am tired of groups and governments trying to legislate my life through lists and laws.
Are you going to pass a law that outlaws apples? Does the FDA now mandate that I only serve Jr apple sauce? When does it end? Laws that make me wear seat belts, laws that make car seats mandatory. Laws that don’t let me text and drive. Put your infant on his back. No, wait, put him on his stomach? Does anyone really know anything. These are the same people who don’t know if coffee is on the good list or the bad list. Who cares. Some laws are good. Some are just too much.
Here’s my list in no particular order.
1) quit making lists.
2) get out of my face with your studies that don’t present a clear picture
3) eat hot dogs and mac n cheese and gold fish by the handful. You start dyeing the minute you’re born so enjoy every single minute of life.
4) Don’t suggest redesigning something as pure and American as the hot dog. You redesign the space shuttle, not a meat sack that humans have been eating since some crazy carney at Coney Island found a bunch of dead racoons and hollered out; “come and get em.”
Here’s a sad fact. People die. People choke. People get in car wrecks. People choke on hot dogs and way weirder stuff. You can’t force me to learn the heimlich manuever, or carry a portable defribrilator on my back. Life doesn’t come with instructions or a safety manual. Sometimes you just have to parent by the skin of your ass using some plaster of paris and common sense.
If the American Academy of Pediatrics can’t dig that than redesign the way you make your lists.
And that is crazy!