You know what’s Crazy? I’ll Freakin tell you what’s crazy!
Shooting at defenseless fish! That’s crazy!
DATELINE :PANAMA CITY, Fla.
It seems that while bullets and RPG’s are flying in Afghanistan and Iran, there is a covert, much saltier war being waged in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean.
Apparently the conflict is between aggressive dolphins and the fishing captains, who loathe them.
According to this AP story, “Miles offshore, a fight is raging between Bottle Nose Dolphins & angry anglers armed with guns and bombs.”
Did the writer actually say armed with guns and bombs?
Yes, yes he did.
I wish I could tell you this was the premise for a Saturday Night Live skit, but it is the real CRAZY deal.
Apparently dolphins have become more aggressive and are reportedly stealing bait off the hooks of struggling fisherman.
So what do these nautical geniuses do? They light pipe bombs of course and throw them at dolphins in the sea.
I know, I’m laughing too. You can’t even make this crazy crap up.
Apparently, when your brain is subjected to salt spray long enough, it loses focus, becoming mushy like a sea cucumber.
The captains say the dolphin are more aggressive than years past. Oh really? Like Dolphin never swiped an anchove on a hook?
The AP writer did not get any usable quotes from the Dolphin.
I of course did;
“F**KING Pipe bomb tossing pirates,” Snarled one scarred dolphin, who wore an eye patch. “We need to feed our families too. So we steal a stinky chunk of fish off a hook once in a while. Is that a good reason to start blasting? These 2 legged barnacles are up on deck just going ballistic, hollering something about federal bailouts and now this! Honestly I don’t know what this crusty old bastard is talking about, but it’s starting to piss us Dolphin off. My buddy Squeakers was clipped by one of them crazy Capn. Ahabs. Just leaned over the stern, and BLAM! If i had two good feet, I’d jump up out of this Mother F**ker and gnaw his face off.”
Powerful stuff, huh?
The AP story indicates it’s about the economy, that anglers are not chartering as many boats as years past. And when they do get clients, the thieving mammals are stealing bait, ultimately diminishing the over all fishing experience.
Personally, if I’m in a fighting chair on deck and a squadron of dolphin break the surface of the water to steal my bait or even flip me the bird, I’m thinking; “this is freaking cool.”
Conversely, if my charter boat captain is on the flying bridge tossing pipe bombs at a platoon of angry ass dolphins, then I’m getting a littler nervous.
Can you imagine throwing a pipe bomb at a fish? Who thought that was a good way to combat bait theft.
I would love to see Flipper grab the unexploded ordinance, fly into the air and non-challantly toss the lit bomb back on deck.
“Take that, land walker,” the mammal would squeal as flesh and stinky bait boxes explode into the sea.
The article says other captains have actually pulled out .357-caliber Magnums, squinted at the blow hole breathing bait-snakes and shouted; “Go ahead Flipper! Make my day!”
Just once, I wish Flipper could squint back and snarl his best Clint Eastwood snarl; “Get off my lawn!”
In case you are wondering, it is reportedly a federal offense to harm a sea mammal in any way. In case you are a salty brained pirate who needs it spelled out for you, that includes throwing a pipe bomb at a dolphin.
I guess the law is the law. So it is safe to say, If a dolphin ends up shooting the boat captain, the dolphin should be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.
After all; laws governing pipe bombs, dolphins and peg-legged fishing captains should be applied equally and fairly under the maritime proviso of “ONE SEA. ONE LAW THAT GOVERNS ALL”