You know what’s crazy? I’ll tell you what’s crazy!™
Sex toys that kill.
Ok, maybe that’s an exaggeration.
How bout a woman who threatens a cop with a sex toy.
Sound possible? Oh yeah. I can’t even make this stuff up.
So how dangerous can a 56 year old woman wielding a sex toy be? I guess we’ll have to go to Gurnee, Illiniois to find out.
DATELINE: Gurnee, Ill.
This salacious caper starts down at the Crab Shack. Figures right? What better place for an assault with a vibrator than the crab shack.
It’s here that police say Carolee Bildsten, skipped out on her bar bill. In the over all world of petty crime this racks up to a level of “Gee Wiz”
Either way, the police are called and with all the donut shops in town shut down for grease inspection, Gurnee’s finest go on a full scale man hunt.
Knock Knock Knock.
Gurnee Police.
Go away.
Is Carolee home?
I don’t need no stinking magazine subscriptions.
And so it went.
But you know the story. She was home all right, and wielding a wacky weapon.
That’s when the inebriated damzel of decadence allegedly threatened Gurnee’s finest with; what the report calls: a “rigid female pleasure device.”
Hmmmm. Is that really what you wrote down officer?
You mean a vibrator? Ok for the sake of our sensitive eyes, we’ll just go with the technical police jargon “Rigid Female Pleasure Device”
Here’s my question. The woman is drunk. She’s 56 years old. She’s allegedly weilding a pleasure device. How threatened was this officer? I mean it’s not like the rigid device was a sword or a baseball bat or a meat cleaver, right?
And if a middle aged drunk lady with a sex toy can rock your world officer, I’ve got some serious reservations about your ability to serve and protect. Maybe desk duty is in your future. It sort of raises some momma issues if you ask me, but none the less, the woman and her female apparatus were both taken into custody.
Thankfully the officer was not injured by the fully operational sex toy.
The 56 year old was charged with one misdemeanor count of aggravated assault and theft of labor. I am unclear what theft of labor means, but I will leave that to your imagination.
All in all, this story is feckless but harmlessly amusing.
if nothing else, it certainly rises to the lowest rung of Crazy.