You know what’s crazy? I’ll tell you what’s crazy.
Milk.
Beautifully pure Whole Vitamin D milk.
It’s the world’s perfect food. Udderly smooth and delicious.
Don’t think so. Just ask my kid.
How much do you love milk?
“It’s delicious,” my 14 year old son says between sips.
Delicious may be an understatement. Milk is really all he knows.
It’s like asking a salmon what he thinks of oxygenated water.
14 years of life and JR has never tasted another liquid beside water.
Think about that?
Water and Milk. Milk and watter. That’s it.
Prisoners in a Vietnamese tiger cage can expect more variety than that.
Tom Hanks and Wilson had more options on that life raft than my son.
Milk and water. Water and milk. The two go together like worms and silk. I don’t even know what that means.
14 years.
How much do you love Milk I ask the boy.
“a lot,” he says cupping his glass like white gold.
But why I implore.
“it is delicious,” he says. “should I not love it?”
Good question. What’s not to love.
Healthy, nutritious, steroid free?
Think about the magnitude of this statement.
My son has never had anything but milk and water.
No Grape Juice, no Orange Juice, no Pineapple Juice.
No Coke, no Pepsi, no Root Beer, it has never passed his lips.
Only milk products are permissible which include milk, chocolate milk and possibly a milk shake. Even 2% milk is not permissible, but will be tolerated if that is all the milk available.
When did this start you ask. Was this some cruel experiment you wonder?
No. It’s just the way it is, was, always has been.
As a baby, he wouldn’t drink apple juice. Never ever ever.
When we go to a restaurant and they don’t have milk, and trust me, when your only food group is milk and you ask your waiter for milk and he says sorry we don’t have milk, well then you begin to notice the establishments, which for some stupid ass reason don’t serve milk!
While writing this, suddenly a purity Dairy commercial comes on the TV.
My son perks up like a cat hearing a can opener tearing the lid off a tin of tuna.
To my son, Milk is more than a drink to wash down a grill cheese sandwich. Milk is liquid food.
When he was young and he wouldn’t eat, milk was all food groups to him.
Milk is his vegetable. Milk is his steak and potatoes. Milk is his eggs and complex carbohydrate meal.
When UNICEF babies in Africa were ingesting more nutrients than him, he always had milk. Like a long lost dietary friend, milk has always been there.
Milk is our extraordinary food group. It’s like a five in one screw driver. It dices it splices it sips, it pours, it can be chewed.
Milk is my son’s liquefied pork shop with gravy.
Milk is so important that Purity Dairy puts its milk in a yellow jug to protect it from dangerous light. Seriously, that’s their marketing message.
All milk jugs are opaque and yellow.
It keeps out the light they say in their ads. Keeping the light out protects the holy grail of food products from the harmful effects of light.
Harmful effects of light? From where? The sun? The refrigerator?
Is Milk the vampire of liquid refreshment?
Milk = Life.
Just don’t drink it with garlic, right?
All I’m saying is when you have only had one drink your entire life, you treat it with respect.
Milk. It does a body good. In my house, it does everything but change the oil.
I would guess that is why my son is lean and mean. I would guess my teenage boy’s bone density scan would blow your kid’s bone density scan out of the water.
I’m just saying. He is a milk machine and your kid probably had a
7-Up in 2011. Just saying.
Drink up boy. You don’t want your milk pork chop to get warm.
And that is crazy.