You know what’s crazy? I’ll tell you what’s crazy™
Competitive eating.
It’s hard to stomach.
I guess if your only talent is an expandable stomach that thinks it’s a circus tent caught over a volcanic updraft, you go with what the good lord blessed you with.
For my money, Joey Chestnut is the undisputed king of disgusting. His stomach is a Marine condom blown up by an outboard motor.
He is a repugnant eating machine, inhaling 72 hot dogs at a single sitting.
He has made the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest each 4th of July a national spectacle, the equivalent of a truck stop toilet on Beef Brisket Wednesday.
His style’s as sedate as a cement mixer, as polished as a jack hammer, as smooth as a Hip Hop Concert on the front lawn of the Fraternal Order of Police.
Chestnut slathers the bun with water and pushes it down his throat. He chomps on the hot dog and bangs it into his esophagus like he’s torqueing a broken oil filter on a 68 Chevy.
Joey Chestnut shakes when he eats. He is uncomfortable to watch like Charlie Sheen at father daughter dance.
Chestnut is a shopping cart with 3 good wheels, wobbling uncontrollably, trying not to veer off suddenly into the Potato Chip section.
This Memorial Day, disgusting raised its slovenly head once again.
This time it took place at a Lone Star Steak House called the Big Texan Steak Ranch.
And the perpetrator of said disgust was a skinny woman named Molly Schuyler.
The 125 pound woman came in to jeers and sneers and left the unadulterated queen of the stomach stuff.
The petite, unassuming woman wolfed down not one, but two 72-ounce steaks.
144 ounces of meat guzzled, inhaled, devoured, in less than 15 minutes.
There are wild hyenas on the burning plains of the Serengeti barking their approval tonight as they pick clean the bones of a bison.
Schuyler is a predatory cat, choking down 9 pounds of meat, juicing with blood and grizzle.
That’s more than half a pound of meat every minute.
Johnny Holmes only wishes he had that average.
I’m not sure what that even means in a culinary context.
“We witnessed history,” Big Texan co-owner Danny Lee said. “If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I want to stay away from this girl.”
No kidding.
This woman is the walking dead. She is a blood sucking swamp monster with no insides to constrict the containment of large amounts of partially chewed food.
According to published reports; Schuyler is a competitive eater from Bellevue, Nebraska. Officials say she at the first 72 ounce monster in less than 5 minutes.
The restaurant owners say that is a world record, whatever the hell that means.
When I think of world records, i think of Usain Bolt running the 100m in 9.63 seconds. I think of Bob Beamon in the long jump in Mexico City. That record was set 46 years ago!
Eating two steaks?
That’s just a carnival act pumped up by social media and a populous with the attention span of carpet lint.
“She rushed to finish the first steak and the sides, including a baked potato, shrimp, a salad and a bread roll, she said. “The second one, I wasn’t going really for time,” she said. “There was no point. I had to do it in under an hour, so I was fine.”
She was fine?
If I had 144 ounces of steak wedged into my ass, I would need a suction hose from rotor rooter hooked up to me from top and bottom.
One hose would have to blow while the other hose would have to suck.
My insides would be a digestive wind tunnel.
In China I would be arrested for crimes against humanity.
The woman describes herself as the “bottomless pit”.
I’ll say. I wonder what else is lurking in her gullet? The missing 18 minutes from the Watergate Tapes?
Perhaps we’ve been looking for Malaysian Flight 370 in the wrong place.
According to published reports, the bottomless pit devoured a record 363 wings in 30 minutes at a competition in Philadelphia, earning a $22,000 prize, according to philly.com.
The woman is 5-foot-7 125 pounds.
That’s not the image we think of when competitive eating comes to mind.
“Molly had called about a year ago, she said, and we took it as a hoax,” Lee said. “This little girl walked in here and … she’s one of the daintiest, smallest ladies that I’ve see try the 72-ounce steak.”
But she’s not finished yet. Schuyler said she plans to return to the Big Texan with the goal of eating three of the steak dinners in one sitting.
Schuyler offered advice to anyone who would want to try the challenge. “Just be careful when you eat steak,” she said. “It’s a very chokeable food.”
My advice? Eat like a lady, don’t finish everything on your plate, bring your own vomit bucket.
Life’s Crazy™