You know what’s crazy? I’ll tell you what’s crazy.™
The HVAC Pirates.
They drive a van, not a ship. They sport a logo, not a Jolly Roger.
They knock on the front door, rather than try and back door you with some pirate’s booty.
If you are lucky, your HVAC pirate is not reeking of Capn Morgans Rum. If he’s worth his sea salt, your HVAC pirate is thinking less of wenching and more of wrenching.
This is my observation having just called my local HVAC service technician for service that I neither want nor believe I should pay for.
Just goes to prove it’s always something.
Just when you think you have some money in the bank, the car breaks.
Just when you think you have weathered the storm, it rains and you have no umbrella.
It is what it is, right?
They say what doesn’t kill ya makes ya stronger. Well if this keeps up, I’m gonna be the strongest man in the world.
Just when I thought I had socked away a few bucks for a rainy day, maybe for a vacation, maybe for a nice dinner out….
BAM!
I walk downstairs and suddenly I am shivering.
WTF?
Why is it so blessed cold down here?
I half way expect to see icicles dangling from the mantle. I checked for baby polar bears swimming in arctic pools of perma frost.
I can almost see my breath in my own living room. I Should have worn a shirt, at least a scarf.
I move to the thermostat and it reads 59.
Damn.
I hear a thump. It is coming through the wall.
What is that?
It sounds like Marley’s ghost dragging a chain through the dry wall.
I will later go outside and stand in front of the decrepit HVAC unit.
It is thumping, hissing, trying to do something. Maybe it is belching. Maybe it is burping. It is making such a racket, I wonder if a small animal carcass has become trapped in the mechanism.
It sounds sick, like an old man with freon induced emphysema.
The big metal box with the rusty fan is wheezing, trying to complete it’s job, but somehow it’s failing.
I call the HVAC company.
He can be there in 4 days they tell me. It will cost $76 dollars to simply come to my house.
Great, I’ll just knit myself a sweater in the meantime.
Damn HVAC pirate bastard.
Wow. What a racket. Shiver me timbers mates.
In my brain of brains I all ready know how this is going to go.
“Well sir, your unit is ancient. It’s a Mathusela 500. We don’t even make that unit anymore. It was phased out when Bill Clinton left office. Your unit is on it’s last legs. Even if we can fix it, it’s just going to break again. It’d be smarter if you just purchased a new one. Let me tell you about the deal we are running right now. For only $5,000 dollars….”
That’s about the time I tune out and imagine pulling my money out of the bank and setting it on fire in the parking lot of the local supermarket. I’m going to get about as much bang for my buck that way.
I guess I take things like heat for granted. I realize it’s gonna cost me so much every month for gas, but paying for the device to get me heat that I pay for. Well, that kind of makes me crazy.
If you are warm right now reading this, be thankful that whatever is pumping warmth into your house is working. If you are not warm and you are a renter, be glad you can call your landlord and tell him to fix the damn metal contraption blowing the cold air up your skirt.
So HVAC pirates are going to loot me pretty soon. It’s called Pirates Booty.
Well guess what.
Somewhere in your future there is a unexpected expenditure that is going to throw you for a loop. A blood thirsty pirate ready to make you swab the decks and walk the financial plank.
Are you ya ready matey? Well are ya.
And that is crazy.™