You know what’s crazy? I’ll tell you what’s crazy!
Finally a food establishment that is what it is. A place to enjoy a big, juicy, heart stopping, artery blocking hunk of meaty death. It looks so good, saliva is actually dripping down my chin right now just thinking about it.
Keeping with the hospital theme; the restaurant has wheelchairs for it’s biggest eaters. Waitresses dress like nurses complete with thigh high stockings. The owner is decked out as a doctor complete with lab coat and meat thermometer.
The marketing plan is genius. The sexy waitresses put hospital wrist bands on diners. The counter people wear stethoscopes so they can listen to your heart as it literally stops in mid swallow. The eatery won’t serve diet coke or light beer. Too healthy the owner diabolically laughs.
The food isn’t just cooked in fat, the fat is cooked in fat. The lard is deep fried. The grease is strained through buckets of Kentucky Fried Chicken.
A man named Dr. John runs this coronary cafe. He says the food is so good it will kill you.
As Bill Geiss on the CBS Morning Show once said: “the only thing missing is a priest to perform last rites as you eat.”
That’s a good line don’t you think?
A tour of the kitchen shows Dr. John’s employees coating hamburger buns with lard and then toasting them to delicious perfection. He melts 8 layers of cheese over a 1/2 pound of heart stopping ground round. He puts half an onion on top. The burger is so big, it looks like a culinary pyramid of indigestion. It is so sizzingly sinful these burgers should come with a warning label and a skull and cross bones flag planted in the fries.
At the HEART ATTACK GRILL they say live for the day, and if you are lucky into the early evening.
The next time I’m in Chandler, Arizona, I’m hiring an ambulance to take me to the Heart Attack Grill. I am going to eat the fattest, most unhealthy burger that the FDA will allow. I will wear a wrist band and let hot nurses check my vital signs. And God forbid; If I should have a coronary event, I will burp my last deliciously decadent burp.