You know what’s crazy? I’ll tell you what’s crazy.™
FESTIVUS
According to some obscure published report, Festivus is the time to gather around an aluminum pole, tell your loved ones all the ways they have disappointed you, and wrestle the head of the household.
This sounds like Easter at my house where the kids throw hard boiled eggs at my head while screaming “Break Piggy’s glasses!”
It’s part of our Lord Of The Flies themed holiday fun.
But Festivus is a misadventure to be sure. It was first brought to the public consciousness in 1997 when Seinfeld star Frank Costanza tells Kramer that he invented the holiday after he got into a tug of war with another Christmas shopper over a doll.
“As I reined blows upon him I realized there had to be a better way,” Frank says. So Frank coined the slogan “A Festivus for the rest of us.”
Festivus should be mandatory celebration for Jews, Christians and Muslims alike.
Forget the tree and the menorah and the 21 virgins, I say gimme a Festivus Pole and stand back.
The Festivus Pole symbolizes all the things that Christmas dare not be. It’s crankiness and inflexibility and issues unresolved.
“Suzie, your husband dribbles when he drinks wine.”
Oh Holy Festivus, please forgive Suzie’s husband for he knows not what he does. Now pound that wine dribbling scab in the head!”
According to television tradition, after the meal, the “Feats of Strength” are performed. This is where the family wrestles and assaults the head of the household.
This is great if the head of the household is a strapping lineback for the New Orleans Saints, but if the Festivus mob turns on Grandpa Joe and breaks his hip, Festivus can end up with a heft E.R. bill.
“People want something that’s nothing,” Allen Salkin, author of “Festivus: The Holiday for the Rest of Us,” a book that chronicles the birth of the holiday, told CNN.com . “All the traditional holidays exclude somebody,” but with this one, “everyone’s in on the joke.”
Joke? Festivus is not real?
I thought Festivus was a real holiday based on reindeer eating magic mushrooms. I thought Festivus was invented by wood elves who live in campestral latrines in the back woods of Idaho. I like the idea of Festivus. It is a time to repent and reflect and “come out of the closet” not that there is anything wrong with that kind of thing.
You wait and see. Festivus will soon be another reason for the Hallmark Greeting card company to make money.
And that is crazy.