You know what’s crazy? I’ll tell you what’s crazy
A study that says Americans eat too much.
This is not news. But it is sad.
AMERICA has to be the fattest nation on Earth.
Maybe beluga whales and sea walruses and German beer wenches are heavier. But as a group, Americans are pushing their elastic waste bands to the max.
I think the problem is, we are indolent and sedentary.
We are a sitting on our back sides, letting our ever-expanding asses sprawl kind of society.
We are a reaching for the remote control, munching on Frito lays, riding around in electric scooter lazy bastards.
We shove Twinkies glazed in sugar and syrup and sprinkles and lard into our pie holes.
We shovel pancakes and bacon and donuts over our lips and onto our tongues.
We ride the endorphin rush of potato salad.
We enjoy the salivating Pavlovian response that happens when we get a whiff of cup cakes.
We eat and we eat and expand our zeppelin like bellies to the point of explosive tissue separation.
Fat dissolves on our face and double chins grow out of our necks.
We possess asses that have grown so large, so pronounced, that elephants take a look at the American Booty and begin thinking amorous thoughts.
Push away the chocolate chip cookies and lose a few pounds.
Say see ya to cellulite by saying Signora to sausage.
They say loose lips sink ships. Well tight lips saves hips.
That means shut your mouth, and close your Oreo eating orifice.
Don’t’ swallow the cheese cake. Say no to the chocolate cake. Push away the 7 layer cake. Avoid the pancakes, and anything else with the word cake in it.
Here’s a golden rule: CAKE = FAT.
Say hello asparagus and good-bye Gorgonzola.
Say jump in my belly to salmon and tell pork chops to go to hell.
America is slovenly and portly. As a collective group we are a swollen festering boil that should be lanced.
Need proof of our jiggling and quivering and shaky stomach flab? Just go to a Wal-Mart and watch people in stretch pants waddle down aisles, their asses so large their butt cheeks affecting the gravitational pull of the earth.
Can you say Sweat stain in aisle six.
I realize that weight loss is an emotional topic for many of you. For some of you it is genetic. For others it is medical. But for most of us, the problem is willpower and desire.
Everyone is looking for the easy way out. When it comes to weight loss, we like to mail it in. When it comes to pounding the pounds, we would rather order out.
Americans are not willing to work for what they want. People want a diet that let’s you eat hot fudge and snort chocolate sprinkles.
Americans want to eat cheeseburgers with cheesy fries covered in cheese and chocolate mousse. We hope that digesting this much food will actually burn calories.
Fat chance! That’s not how it works fat ass America.
Here’s how it works. Close your mouth, show some willpower, and stay mobile, and you will achieve the desired results.
If you can balance a pizza box on your ass, you might just need to go on a diet.
If you are mainlining mayonnaise, you might just need to go on a diet.
If you use salami as a toothbrush, you might jut need to go on a diet.
Diet? That’s the word DIE with a t on the end.
To many Americans, Diet is an undulating dance of pain, on an elevator that goes up and down until the cable breaks. And then you crash. and then you have to climb out of the pit all over again.
That’s why the diet industry in this country is such a scam. Diet books come with fancy names and absurd regiments to follow. Many diets are worse than water boarding forcing you to ingest incredibly bizarre liquids that smell like something that oozes out of a skunk’s rectum.
Here’s my advice : Stop eating. Leave Gluttony at the curb. Start exercising. Lifting ham sandwiches to your face is not considered exercise.
Walk, and run and do sit ups and go to the gym. Manage your intake and stay true to your calorie count and you can break the trend that makes Americans so freaking fat.
I am no expert, but I do consider myself a success story. New Years day a few years ago. I woke up and made the resolution so many of us have made.
Lose weight. I told myself. You will lose the weight, but you need a plan. You need a strategy you can maintain beyond the first few weeks. You need a life plan that you can live with as long as you live.
Long story short; I lost 25 pounds. Did I gargle with midget sweat or Eat slug vomit sent over from the Himalayas?
No. The plan was much more simplistic.
First: Stop eating so much. Sounds complicated huh? Let me say it again; STOP EATING SO MUCH.
Secondly: stop eating so much.
Third: When you do eat, then eat smaller amounts.
Fourth: Eat less but eat more regularly. This keeps your metabolism churning while it also makes you feel full.
Fifth: Exercise. 20 minutes a day, a few times a week. Walk around the neighborhood. Walk up the stairs at our house. Do sit ups while watching Oprah. Whatever. As Bo Jackson once said for NIKE just freakin do it.
Sixth: Let your stomach shrink. Eat slower and let that shrunken stomach work to your advantage. And while we’re at it, let your brain catch up to your esophagus. Let it figure out that you are full before you shove another banana kumquat pie into the calorie count that will blow up your ass.
Seventh: Push that extra plate away. Push it away. Sabotage the food on your plate if you have to. Cover that ham with a pile of salt. Do what it takes to lose weight. Get angry. Get serious. Go Guerrilla on its ass. As Malcolm X once said: BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY.
Eighth: maintain the intangibles. Drink water. Keep a chart of your weight and actually take an active role in your weight loss. Document your progress and stay positive that you will make a difference.
Most of all, dedicate yourself to a life change. Make the job of losing weight, the most important job you have. It’s a job you will have the rest of your life. It is a job that makes you work every day. It’s a job with no vacations and no days off.
If you don’t want an ass the size of a picnic table then you have to get aggressive and kick some calorie ass.
I hate this annual obesity study. I hate it, because every year the numbers reflect another level of fat ass hopelessness. It doesn’t have to be that way. You are the beginning of the change.
Ask yourself this question:
Why lose weight?
Because you want to, because you need to. You want to look in the mirror and say, “that body is hot.”
You want to put on a pair of old blue jeans and say “my ass looks fine”
You want to put on a swim suit and not have your daughter call you a muffin top.
You want to walk down the street and not feel ass fat reverberations that throw off your balance.
You want men to whistle and women to lick their lips. You want to feel healthy and not take gulps of air to speak.
When it comes to your annual physical; being fat is the beginning of the end. If you are obese, chances are that is only the start of your problems.
I urge all of you reading this to dedicate yourself to a healthier life.
It only takes a flip of the newspaper to the obituary page to see faces of people who had a plan for the future. Now they re sleeping in dirt.
Start today. Get serious. Stay fit.
Life’s Crazy™