You know what’s crazy? I’ll tell you what’s crazy™
Eating Dog Food.
A Washington State pet store owner is trying to promote ingredient awareness, by eating dog food for a month.
All she’s promoting is a sick feeling in my stomach.
YUK! That’s like cleaning under your cat’s tail with your tongue.
I can possibly see eating a dry Milk Bone dog biscuit. I’ve done it. Yeah I was drunk, so what? What’s it taste like you ask? Well it tastes like a 10-year-old Ritz cracker with all the flavor scrubbed out of it. It’s what you imagine wet newspaper tasting like.
The positive of eating Milk Bones? They brighten your teeth.
The negative? It’s dog food and people walk on the other side of the sidewalk when they see you.
But eating wet dog food that glops out of the can?
It’s gross, like massaging a warm cadaver is gross.
Have you ever opened up a can of wet dog food? The minute the can opener penetrates the tin, the stench of month old whale blubber fermenting in the sun oozes out.
The ghosts of Moby Dick scream “close that can!”
Wet dog food smells like landfill. It has the consistency of squid.
It’s a front end collision of taste.
Wet dog food is processed human decomposition.
As Charlton Heston once screamed “Soylent Green is People!”
I don’t even like the sound of wet dog food. It’s an auditory canker sore, a high decibel probation violation.
SUCK. WOOSH. GLOP!
Just the way wet dog food exits the can is ghastly.
It leaves the cylinder like emphysema. It slithers out of the can like greased botulism. The gelatinous goop clings to the metal like a squirming sea creature deprived of air, gills straining to breathe in a broth of processed meat by products.
I just watched a morning show segment on the pet store owner. She says this disgusting 30 day food marathon started one day when she missed lunch. She could have reached for a Snicker’s bar. Instead, she grabbed a packet of dog treats off the rack and popped them into her pile hole.
“I’m eating healthy pet food for 30 days to promote ingredient awareness,” said Dorothy Hunter, the owner of Paws Natural Pet Emporium.
Hey Dorothy, you’re not eating healthy, you are eating gross.
Dogs lick their own bum. They will eat rotting hot dogs out of a cat box.
You really think your hound is discriminating?, a connoisseur of fine meat?
“If I try something and I don’t like it, my dogs are getting it. So that’s worked out real well for them. They’re happy with that part. They’re a little confused as to why I’m eating the dog food, but they’re getting over it,” said Hunter.
The segment ends with Hunter and her husband sitting side by side, spoons in cans of meat by-product. They each pull out healthy spoonfuls of glop. The gelatinous fermentation wobbles ever so slightly as they inhale the rancid atrocity.
“Oh that’s bad. That’s horrible,” the woman says, her every thought documented on you tube.
She sucks down a soda and smiles at the camera.
The story ends and the morning anchors in Phoenix are gagging.
The cranky anchorman is irritated his producers even aired this segment.
“Why does she do it?” the young woman beside him says.
“Because they want publicity and we’re giving it to them,” he says angrily, not caring that an entire viewing market is watching him publicly undress his emotions on live TV.
Oh my.
Like I always say: Eating soft dog food can make people uneasy.
Seriously, I always say this.
And that my friends is why they call it dog food, or as they call it in Taiwan, Lunch.
Life’s Crazy™