You know what’s crazy? I’ll tell you what’s crazy™
Dog TV.
Yes, you heard me right. Dog TV.
It is a TV network for dogs and the people who love dogs.
What is Dog TV?
According to the web site: It’s the first TV channel for dogs. Scientifically designed and created for dogs as viewers.
Dogs as viewers?
That’s an interesting concept. Dogs as viewers.
Do dogs turn on the TV with a beer and a bag of Milk Bones. Do they watch the show while googling images of hot Daschunds?
Last time I checked, dogs sniff each other’s hind quarters, and quiver when they poop, and eat carpet lint. Dogs are dogs.
Viewers?
According to the Dog TV:
It provides television for dogs as a 24/7 digital TV channel with dog – friendly programing scientifically developed to provide the right company for dogs when left alone. Through years of research with some of the world’s top pet experts, special content was created to meet specific attributes of a dog’s sense of vision and hearing and supports their natural behavior patterns. The result: a confident, happy dog, who’s less likely to develop stress, separation anxiety or other related problems.
A happy dog? A dog less likely to develop stress related anxiety?
Isn’t that what we use to call a rolled up newspaper? A pat on the head? A simple “Good boy!”
My 1st thought? DOG TV What a load of crap!
Give a dog a bone and a good power walk and a dog is fine.
It’s a dog, for goodness sakes.
Throw your dog a stick.
The theraputic powers of a stick are quite amazing. And the last time I checked, sticks are free.
TV for dogs?
I’d say it’s TV for dog owners.
And who is the advertising geared to?
Dogs? Do dogs pays the bills?
Does your German Shepard pull out his Master Card and say “Honey, I really got to get me that 2 in one flea comb. Just gotta have it.”
Doggie commerce? No. Dogs don’t work. Dogs hump the couch.
Do dogs wake up from their hypnotic sleep and say “Hey wait a minute. I’m a dog. I need to chew me some table leg.”
You know why Dog TV works?
Because dog owners are a crazy lot and they want Fido to do something other than eat the bannister while they are at work.
Let’s just say, when I 1st heard about Dog TV, I was skeptical.
Special sounds and colors and programming designed for dogs.
Come on?
Saturday Night. My girlfriend puts a Dog TV video on her iphone.
Her dog is sitting on the couch, restless, demanding pets.
Sammie is a good dog, but she is a spoiled child. She needs time and attention like a jumping bean needs more fertilizer. Sammie’s idea of watching TV is watching me watch TV. When we are on the couch, she is staring at us.
“Pet me. Pet me,” she says snipping at air, bending her head backward like a furry ballerina trying to get my attention.
Tail wagging. Paws waving in the air.
“Play with me. Play with me.”
She is relentless.
The one truth in life: Sammie doesn’t watch TV.
So I was highly skeptical when she put Dog TV on her iphone and placed it in front of Sammie.
And then a funny thing happened on the way to the Eat Crow Bin.
Sammie stared at the tiny screen.
The colors are slightly askew, reportedly tailored to match the optical frequency of dogs. Kind of like free TV in Eastern Europe.
Apparently they see colors differently than we do, and somehow Dog TV knows this.
So the blues are a little off to my eye. The green grass a little different to my eyes.
But to Sammie’s eyes? Apparently this is the Mona Lisa of Dog-vision.
And then there’s the sounds on Dog TV. Dog appropriate sounds designed to stimulate and relax.
Huh?
Sounds of sheep and wind and a child off screen saying “good boy.”
It makes me want to pee on the floor it’s so charming.
And then there’s the Dog TV story line.
It’s a shot of a dog resting in a field in slow motion. And then they dissolve to a slow motion shot of a another dog not moving.
Then some real drama; a shot of a dog yawning, then a shot of a cloud passing between the sun and the Earth.
Uh Oh. That’s kind of scary.
The sun dimmed. The warmth, momentarilly decreased. Sun gone. Shade intensified.
What will happen next?
What happened to that big orange warm thing the sleepy slow motion dog must be thinking to itself.
In one action packed sequence, a dog skips through a field, stops and sniffs something other than himself.
Suddenly, another dog enters the frame and in a moment that is sheer intensity, they sniff each other and then trot through the field.
Are they smiling a dog just got sniffed kinda smile? Maybe that sequence will be on the pay per view version of Dog TV. wink. wink.
I laugh. The story line is dogs being dogs set to relaxing music that dogs and Tibetan Monks find pleasing.
“Look, she’s watching,” the girlfriend exclaims half laughing.
I look at Sammie. The normally insane bundle of energy is calm, transfixed, watching the little screen.
Is she alive? I want to check her doggie pulse.
I look at her closely. Her eyes are open. She blinks. I see a puff of air exit her nose as her fur rises ever so slightly.
She is staring at the screen, intrigued, engaged.
She apparently likes muted grass and shots of slow motion dogs doing nothing.
The story line reminds her of her own little life, I suspect.
I look at the girlfriend who is burying her face in her hands, trying not to laugh.
God Forbid we would break the Dog TV trance, right?
Is Dog TV really more than a street side shell game?
Apparently so.
So I put on chanel 354
the music is like an ethereal wind chime from a hippie resort.
I hear the ethereal flute music and my brain sees the ocean at Big Sur. My soul says this is what heaven sounds like when you’ve run out of things to do.
The colors on screen are washed out, reminding me of Mexican soap opera.
It doesn’t take me long to pick up on the story line. A dog sleeping. Oh wait he is lifting his head. Oh it’s back down. The grass sways ever so slightly, and the wind chime sounds are thick. Wow!
Wait, in the distance; is that a door bell I hear.
Where the hell is a door bell out in this field? Genius!
The graphic says: Morning Simulation
Ha. More Genius.
5 straight minutes of a dog sleeping in the sun.
The production values are just above moving gravel. The cost of this sequence? About the same of doing a load of laundry.
Channel 354 is Genius.
And people are buying this?
To promote non-boredom related bad behavior, it says.
Does it work? I don’t know. Maybe Sammie was tired and stared at the screen.
Maybe she was about to pee on the floor, set the house on fire and Dog TV stopped all that bad behavior.
Thanks Dog TV.
But does it work on people?
You bet.
It’s direct marketing to a captive group of humans who love dogs and want to spend money on their dogs.
There may be a million starving kids in India, but who cares when you can buy your dog another squeaky toy designed to release doggie stress, right?
It makes sense.
A TV for dogs directed at their owners who love their dogs.
It’s like putting the Geritol flyer in the mailbox of the geriatric ward.
That’s direct marketing.
It makes sense putting the hair product brochure in the sorority mail bin.
Sell to your audience, right.
Advertise to someone who will most benefit by the product you’re selling.
You don’t sell Viagra in a baby magazine.
It’s called increasing your potential to make a sale.
I get it. I get it.
And now there is the K9 commercial.
Who produces a TV commercial for a four legged creature that craps on your lawn?
The same people selling plasma to vampires.
Anybody with a love of the Benjamins.
So here’s to you Dog TV.
High ad revenues and low viewer expectations.
When a 5 minute zoom in of a fire hydrant is drama?
Man that’s Doggie genius.
Just ask them Mexican Soap opera folks. They get it.
Life’s Crazy™