You know what’s crazy? I’ll tell you what’s crazy.™
Walking 2,500 miles to get married.
Not flying, not car pooling, not river rafting, but actually walking. Laying one tired dog down in front of the other and getting ambulatory.
If you ask me, walking down the aisle to get married could be a big mistake. That’s what? 50 yards at most. A lot can happen in that 50 yards.
So criss-crossing the heartland of America with your bride-to-be could be a hand grenade of trouble.
DATELINE: CANTON TOWNSHIP, Mich.
According to published reports, a Michigan couple is planning a truly long wedding march.
Joseph Crist and Laura Brunett are going to walk 2,500 miles to get married in Las Vegas this fall.
Why would someone do this? Why would someone literally roll out of bed and say “baby, let’s take a walk”
“Where to sugar britches?”
“I dunno. How bout Nevada?”
Maybe you think walking across the country will forge your bond, bring you together as a couple, make your love last a life time.
I think it will expedite an onset of Arthritic knees and sour grapes.
Walking from Michigan through Indiana, Illinois and Iowa is enough to make you want to pull out your own eye balls.
Then Kansas and Nebraska and Colorado. Someone yank out my nose hair, please!
Day and night and day and night. Walking with your bride through rain and scorching heat and bugs the size of tennis balls.
Gargling with razor blades seems more appealing.
TWENTY FIVE HUNDRED MILES!
I’m just one guy with one opinion, but my take on this trek is…
DON’T DO IT.
It will just make you angry years from now when you are filing for divorce from a woman who you can’t stand, who wasted ___ years of your life.
When you are getting divorced, you are going to obsess about everything. You are going to sweat the small stuff like that mascara color she always wore. Sure you hated it and you should have told her that on your second date, but you didn’t and now she’s wearing it at the mediation taking all your cash.
And you’re going to sweat the big stuff. Who gets the kids and the car and the house.
And then there’s that damn walk across America!
What’s a bigger mistake than walking 2,500 miles with your future EX-Wife? You are going to remember every excruciating step. You are going to ponder a trek down interminably long roads that never end, while breathing big rig exhaust, while getting crapped on by crows in the middle of hell?
Is that the memory you want?
The question is, why walk 2,500 miles to get hitched?
After a few years of marriage, you might consider walking 2,500 miles to get divorced.
Here’s my advice. don’t bother walking 2,500 miles with the bride to be. Save yourself the time.
Grab pistols, stand back to back, walk ten paces, turn and fire.
Quicker. Cleaner. Less painful in the long run.
It worked for Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr. Well maybe not so well. Hamilton died. Burr was tried for murder.
But hey, that’s matrimony right?
Vegas sounds great, if you are flying in with a bunch of buddies and you hook up with a bachelorette party that is all ready tanked, but walking to sin city with the future Mrs. Cold shoulder?
Where’s your best man when you need him. Dude step up. You never leave a man behind.
Has anyone shown you a map? You have to walk across the barren straights of the high plains and hope that you are not killed by dust storms, tornadoes or locusts. Start praying that you are not killed by renegade biker gangs and dozing truckers and wayward cattle.
Then you have to get through the Rocky Mountains and hope that you are not trapped in an avalanche or eaten by a snow leopard or knocked in a ditch by a snow plow.
And if you do make it to Vegas, you end up in Vegas with your future Ex Wife.
Your feet will be bloody and calloused and your bride to be is going to be so sun burned and sore that the wedding night is going to be a consumation of fast actin tenactin.
According to Detroit television station WJBK the crazy couple plans to leave Canton Township in Wayne County in mid-April, and they expect the trek to prepare them to spend a lifetime together. They hope to be in Las Vegas by September and plan to marry at nearby Lake Mead.
The 24-year-olds met in middle school, and got the idea for the trip from the book, “The Lost Art of Walking,” by Geoff Nicholson.
Crist says they know their plan is “extremely crazy.”
Hey kids I hope you make it. I hope you are the 50% that makes it. Maybe a cross continental walk is just what the doctor ordered to keep the marital lines of communication open. Maybe we should all tear up our wedding plans and walk like forrest gump from sea to shining sea to cleanse our mind, body and spirit.
And maybe it’s less about the trip and more about the journey.
Since you don’t have a best man, then let me be the first to say be careful.
Pay attention to each other, first and foremost. Don’t let your jobs jack up your marriage. Don’t let the bottom line in your savings account cause you to fight in bed when you should be making love. Make love often. And don’t let your kids get in the way of your love. You are the center of their universe. They orbit you as a couple. If you split, like a neutron star, gravity diminishes, light fades and the orbit for the children radically decays. So don’t forget the passion that got you walking in the first place.
Once you lose the passion, and marriage feels like a time clock you are punching 9-5, then the rest as they say, is inevitable.
So I hope it works out for you.
But if it doesn’t, at least you’ll get to see a lot of the country one crazy step at a time.
And that is crazy.™