Danica Patrick

The notion that Danica Patrick is going to be competitive on the NASCAR circuit.

In case you hadn’t heard; the most curvaceous Indy Driver this side of Michael Andretti has just signed with JR Motorsports. She will start in the second-tier Nationwide Series, which is like starting in minor league baseball.

Here’s my problem with Danica Patrick. She’s hot. No, that is not a problem. She is a good race car driver. That too is not a problem. My problem with Patrick is that she is so arrogant, she thinks her mediocre career in open wheel racing will enable her get behind a stock car and race competitively with the bubbas.

A lot of tea sipping pretty boys have tried and failed. Dario Franchitti could barely stay out of the garage and off the wall. He went back to open wheel and excelled. Juan Pablo Montoya was a world class open wheel racer. He came to NASCAR where the cars are tanks and the bravado thicker than cold grits, and he got his ass wrecked. He’s getting better, but he still has a way to go to conquer the NASCAR world as he did open wheel racing.

They say rubbin is racin! And no open wheel racer I have seen so far has the balls to trade paint or bump draft with the Sprint Cup boys.

So back to Danica. I say she is a mediocre open wheel racer. She has one win in her meteoric career?

She is an ovary in a testicle driven sport. She is bleached white teeth in a mouthful of chewing tobacco. She is female sexuality in a sport dominated by stink. The public roots for Danica Patrick. She brings spectators to the sport that would not normally care about motor sports. Some men follow her because she is sexy. Some women root for her because she has the same body parts they have. They understand how dificult it is like to excel in a male dominated world. She is an advertisers wet dream, in and out of her fire suit.

Published reports say: Patrick will make her stock-car racing debut in the Feb. 6 ARCA race at Daytona International Speedway, a day before she’ll be featured in a pair of Super Bowl ads for sponsor GoDaddy.com.

Danica Patrick is all about promotion. Does anyone else find it odd that she will race during the superbowl weekend when commercials cost 3 zillion dollars for 30 seconds.

NASCAR Danica is a stunt.

I think the good ole boys are gonna bump drafter her tight little ass into the wall. She is gonna get out of her car and whip that hair – slow motion – out of her helmet like some damn shampoo commercial. She’s going to want to fight someone, but this is NASCAR. Except for Jimmy Johnson and Jeff Gordon, the majority of these gear heads don’t file their nails and wax their chest hair.

Patrick said this at a press conference: “We’ve all been working very hard for some time now to bring this all together,” Patrick said at a news conference. “There’s much relief there, but I’m starting to get a little bit nervous that now it’s time to do my part of the deal and get out there in these cars and perform. It’s no doubt going to be challenging.”

So welcome to Nascar Danica. I can’t wait to see you in hand to gear shift combat with Tony Stewart at Bristol and trading paint with Robbie Gordon at Talledega where cars are insanely stacked 4 wide at 200 mph.

You are going to find out what it’s like to drive upside down.

Indy cars are missiles that break apart like LEGOS upon contact. And for that reason Indy Driver’s make sure to be respectful of each other.

NASCAR is anything but respectful. It is spiteful and angry and full of testosterone where opening the door for a lady ain’t gonna happen.

“Obviously, if I ended up running in the Cup one day, then I need to learn how to race against those guys and earn their respect,” Patrick said. “So I’m excited about that, actually. It’s an opportunity to try and show what I’ve got.”

Good luck little lady, you’re going to need it.