Digging up the remains of your dead wife and tossing them on the family grill.
DATELINE: Pinot Noir, France (made that up)
According to published reports, A French man is accused of killing his wife and burying her in the garden.
Barbaric? Yes. Innovative homicide? Hardly.
Burying a woman in a garden? This crime doesn’t even get one “chime” on Law and Order. Burying a woman next to the tomato plants? This crime doesn’t even make the front page of the Metro section in your local newspaper.
Not unless your garden is at the White House!
But what makes this a lead story in the Crazy News Department is what the guy did afterwards.
He killed his wife, buried her in the family garden and then, stupidly, moronically, two years later, digs her up.
No wonder he hated eating cucumbers from the garden. They were grown in soil pulsing with his wife’s DNA.
This guy has always been a suspect, but the cops didn’t have enough to slap on the cuffs. All he had to do was be cool. Stay away from the shovel. And whatever you do, don’t put your wife’s decaying carcas on the family bar-b-que.
But he couldn’t leave well enough alone.
Every dead woman tastes better with a pinch of paprika, right?
This twisted tales begins in 2006 when Benoit Piet reports his 34-year-old wife Adeline missing. Of course he acts sad and police come and console him and there is a massive search around his home.
Like any good murdering bastard, Piet told the cops “his wife wanted a change of scenery.”
Yeah like a dirt nap.
2 years later, he suddenly regurgitates his confession saying he buried the Mrs. in the family garden. He says he dug up her remains to burn them because police were closing in.
Hey Piet, you lied to the cops. You claimed unknown attackers kidnapped your bride. You insinuated the love of your life left you for a younger man without saying goodbye.
Blah Blah Blah.
So why, after all this effort, did you go and dig her up?
Why not leave her in the dirt? Let the worms work. Let the soil decompose her bones into an unrecognizable mulch.
What possessed you to gather her remains and burn them on the grill? On the grill dumb ass!! Where you cook pork chops for your seven freaking kids?
This is straight out of the Edgar Allan Poe handbook of how not to kill your spouse.
Chapter one: don’t let your wife’s dead heart deceive you. Though you might think you hear the heart thumping in the cold dirt, it is not beating.
When in doubt, when you hear that haunting THUMP THUMP THUMP do a shot of tequila and wait for the imaginery beating to subside.
Chapter two: don’t let your wife’s evil “vulture eye” haunt you at night. When she creeps into your dreams and consumes your thoughts with guilt, grab a People Magazine and get the latest on Brad and Angelina.
Chapter three: Don’t dismember the body more than once. Killing her more than once does not make her extra dead. Dead is dead.
Exhuming dismembered remains can get messy and the metallic shovel scooping through the dirt late at night often leads to suspicious neighbors calling the cops.
Chapter four: Don’t kill your wife. She may be crazy, but she is still the mother of your children. Leave her living and do what so many other men do, get a Divorce.
And that’s the crazy thing. According to the French Police; the couple was in the process of getting divorced.
What an idiot!
The guy could be dating an exotic dancer half his age. He could be sending his ex wife pictures of his brand new life with all his brand new topless friends.
“Hi honey, me and the girls are in Cabo. The weather is swell”
But instead, this Edgar Allan Poe psycho is sharing a greasy toilet in the bastille listening to a dead heart thump through the cold Earth.
Now he’ll get what he deserves.
A life time of a tell tale heart pounding in his ears from a wife who will haunt him for eternity.
You can’t divorce that dumb ass.
Life’s Crazy™