You know what’s crazy? I’ll tell you what’s crazy™
Caffeine Infused Underpants!
Yes you read me correctly. Caffeine Infused Underpants.
You people are buying this product thinking it will make you skinny.
Yes, skinny.
How stupid are you people?
Can you imagine Starbucks selling thongs and cotton briefs dipped in coffee grounds, scented like your favorite Columbian blend?
While caffeine infused underpants is questionable, how many people fell for the scam is the real sadness.
There are 7 billion people on Earth. I am guessing most of them are idiots, forgetting to breathe without help.
Apparently some humans make Algae look cerebral.
Where is Darwin when we need him?
From the depths of sadness I submit for your dissatisfaction, a story of people paying for caffeine infused underwear that promises health benefits ranging from weight loss to cellulite reduction.
Weight loss from clothing? Cellulite reduction from your underpants?
Breathe in. Breathe out.
It’s easy, go ahead planet stupid, give it a try.
People actually bought this product.
Saw Dust got a better S.A.T. score than these losers.
The Federal Trade Commission announced that 2 companies are going to refund $1.5 million to shoppers who purchased what is described as “shapewear”
Shapewear?
Should be called Scam-wear.
Shapewear claims to reduce cellulite and fat because the underwear was infused with caffeine, Vitamin E and other things.
Those other things? Lies.
The FTC says there’s no scientific evidence to back up those claims.
Thanks FTC. How much tax payer money are we wasting for you tell me that underpants smeared in vitamin E has no health value?
$1.5 million in refunds? I wonder how many dollars the owners of these 2 scheister operations got to pocket?
P.T. Barnum says there is another sucker born every minute.
Shapewear proves that the Earth is wobbling off its axis from fat, overweight cretins who would rather buy coffee undergarments than get on a treadmill.
Hey fat boy, you really want your gigantic loins to rest in a pudding of vitamin E soaked cloth?
Here’s my question, At what point are you sitting on your couch, covered in mustard and smeared with chocolate sauce and decide to buy this highly produced lie?
Do you ask yourself how they get caffeine into the underwear? Do you even care? Are you just going to mail in your food stamps to purchase this lie?
Does the company expect you to spill vitamin E on yourself? Or is it washed in a solution of vitamin E laced goo?
And even if you did believe that your under-garments were “infused” with Vitamin E and Starbucks African Blend, what possible health benefit could that provide?
Coffee is making your hands shake and your respiration to go up.
Do you really want your private parts orbiting a stew of this fictious elixir?
Look at yourself. You’re wedged into the sofa like a piece of ham that fell off your plate last Christmas and you think that weight loss can be achieved with a mail order lie?
In a settlement, Norm Thompson Outfitters of Oregon, and Wacoal America Inc. of New Jersey agree not to make claims that their products cause weight loss or a reduction of body size.
Infused Under Pants makes me think I should get into the Nigerian scam business. If you people want to give me your money, why not take it from you.
What if I told you under pants infused with leprechaun dust could increase your sexual performance? How much would you pay me?
What if I told you that socks washed in the sink of Mt. Olympus would attract members of the opposite sex? How much for that product Aphrodite?
What if I told you that a uni-thong dipped in reindeer droppings will increase the odds Santa will visit your chimney and the judge will find you competent to stand trial?
7 Billion people. So many of you dumber than corn syrup and ginger ale.
If you could get a fraction of a billion people to send you a nickel, you can retire with a Ferrari in the car port and a mail order Russian bride in the boudoir.
The lure of easy money, it has a very strong appeal, Glen Frey once sang.
There’s an old saying in life. If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
And then there’s this from the guy who invented the theory of relativity:
There’s another old saying in life. Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.”
Albert Einstein
Remember. Breathe in. Now Breathe out.
Anyone interested in bacon flavored ball caps?
Life’s Crazy™