Beer is the new Gatorade.
That’s like saying 40 is the new 30.
IT’S NOT.
30 is the new 30.
40 is the old 40. Your gut sags. You wear those stupid glasses to read. You cholesterol is thick like curdled cheese.
So when someone says Beer is the new Sports Drink, I think the guy who said it is probably wearing an adult diaper.
What is beer? Well it’s what it has always been. A delightful nectar of the Gods. A poor man’s eraser. Beer is an easily affordable, consumable product that fools the brain that life is better than it is, that girls (or guys if that is what you are in to) are prettier than they are, that you have a future as a country singer in a downtown honkey tonk.
DATELINE: Germany
In a country where milk maids and milk men drive Mercedes Benz milk trucks, a Bavarian brewmeister is touting non-alcohol beer as the latest sport drink for athletes.
And like E.F. HUTTON, when Bavarian Brewmeisters speak, people listen.
And here is what the Big Brew Dog is saying:
Beer = sports drink.
Maybe in Germany where 300 pound beer wenches floss their teeth with sausage, but not in these United States of America.
In a country where Donald Trump’s hair has a license to kill, Gatorade is a sports drink and beer is a beverage favored by four out of five trailer trash alcoholics.
I’ll bet you won’t soon see Peyton Manning hawking Beer flavored Gatorade any time soon.
But what if he did? What if Gatorade had a new fermented super formula that hydrated while helping you get your groove on? What if it refreshed like a Swedish Biking Ski team.
What if they called this new super product, Amber Waves of Grain made from only the finest mountain barley and hops and Colorado spring water.
In the true tradition of advertising is mostly lies, I would say that equating beer to a sports drink is like saying body odor is a cologne.
It’s like saying Britain is the oral hygiene capitol of Western Europe.
It’s like saying dryer lint is a great high when smoked through a cheese grater.
For all these years I thought beer was simply a drink to deaden the senses and make last call for alcohol a reality.
Now beer is being handed out at the finish line of sporting events and being celebrated for its regenerative powers.
Regenerative powers? What is this fermented Cialis?
Ask a beer drinker’s kidneys about regenerative power after a hard night of hitting the sauce.
The German company claims the beer helps athletes recover from workouts. It claims to be “isotonic” and “vitamin-rich”.
what the hell does that mean?
Isotonic? Weren’t those gloves that Dan Marino use to sell on late night TV?
Vitamin – Rich? That makes me want to take off my clothes and dance like a unicorn in heat. I’m not sure why I wrote this, but I am glad I did.
anyway…
Beer is high in worthless consumable fat content. Beer is a marvelous elixir for deadening the pain of every day existence. But its power to regenerate at the cellular level is highly suspect.
According to published reports: The non alcoholic drink was handed out to athletes after they competed at the World Cup biathlons held in Maine this month.
“It’s a very healthy product,” said the brewery’s U.S. manager Glenn McDonald.
“And the chickens have nothing to fear,” said the coyote sitting in the hen house.
What do you expect the brewery man to say? Oh this beer is crap!
Here’s what I imagine the competitors saying after four or five beer related sports drinks: “I really find the female competitors attractive in their stretch pants.”
Until then, I’m keeping my beer as beer and my Gatorade as my sport drink.
I’m holding out for the next big thing.
Chocolate Pudding; the new tasty contraceptive.
Life’s Crazy.™