You know what’s crazy? I’ll tell you what’s Crazy™
Crazy Celebrity Baby Names.
There are strong names like Mason and Alexander and James.
There are traditional names like John and Don and Ron.
There are names that are gonna get you thrown into a high school locker like Seymour and Sydney.
And then there are names that are going to have people scratching their heads and asking you to repeat yourself your whole life.
“Moon Unit Zappa? You kidding us. That’s really your name? Mrs. Unit, can you please step to the secondary inspection zone, we’ll need to revisit all your paper work and perhaps do another cavity search.”
Moon Unit Zappa was the daughter of iconic rocker Frank Zappa. I think Frank smoked one too many bowls then named his children. After all, he did name his son Dweezil.
But Frank Zappa is just a pimple on the rough hide of a rhino when it comes to ridiculous baby names.
Woody Allen named his son Satchel Seamus Allen – I want to throw that kid in a locker right now.
Rapper M.I.A. named a child Ikhyd Edgar Arular – That sounds more like a sneeze than a name. Bless you.
David Arnette and Courtney Cox named their child Coco Riley Arquette – “Is the kid Coco or Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs?”
Naming a baby should be sacrosanct. It should be done with thought and care. Children will change a hundred times as they grow. They will lose teeth, they will grow hair, they will become dyspeptic as they grow old.
But a child’s name is forever, like toxic sludge in New Jersey.
A child’s name sets the tone for the future. It’s indelible, like signing a star with a cosmic sharpie on the universal easel of life.
A name sets the mood, like the decor of a restaurant. What do you see when you first walk in? How does it make you feel? Is your name like fine linen or art deco splash? Is your name a five star restaurant or meat and 3 where you can see the cook in his under shirt smoking a Camel flipping burgers?
What’s in a name? Shakespeare wrote; A rose by any other name would smell as sweet, Shakespeare’s first name was William. I’m sure he wouldn’t name his kid Moon Unit.
A name doesn’t define you, but it does announce you.
If you are introduced as Calliope instead of Kate, people are going to do an audible double take. “Calliope? like that thing in the circus? Strange!”
A name is the one thing you will take with you from the crib to the grave.
Makes you wonder what people, primarily celebrities are thinking.
According to ABC news, super couple Kane West and Kim Kardashian named their child North West. I don’t know if this is a salute to Seattle, a compass heading or Alfred Hitchcock.
But a girl named North is tame compared to some celebrities who seemingly do tequila shots and qualudes before naming their progeny.
Jason Leigh named his kid Pilot Inspector. Is he aeronautically inclined? “Hey pilot Inspector did anyone inspect that Pilot at the pilot inspection center?”
Ashley Simpson named her child Bronks Mowgli. Is that a name or a Jungle Book Character? Is that a boy or a girl or a cave creature? Bronks Mowgli, that is just unfair. Name your kid? I say you are an unfit mother!
Germain Jackson named his kid Jer Majesty. Like good evening Jer Majesty, would you like Margarine on your muffin?Are you freakin kiddin me?
I once knew twins named Orangejello and Lemonjello. I didn’t realize how ridiculous that was till I went to the super market and saw boxes of jello. ORANGE JELLO. LEMON JELLO.
It goes on and on and on. Jay Zee and Beyonce named their daughter Blue Ivy Carter. Blue Ivy as opposed to what, Poison Ivy?
Cold Play’s Chris Martin and actress Gwynth Paltrow named their kid Apple. Apple? Why not pineapple, cherry, pear? Are they fans of the pie or the phone?
George Foreman had seven kids, boys and girls, all named George. Hey George get me a soda. Sure thing, George. Bet that’s not too confusing. Was he just lazy? Did he think George and George and George was really a good idea? Too many punches to the noggin.
According to ABC News, In 2010, the most popular boy’s name was Mason. They say it was inspired by Courtney Kardashian’s child. Frankly I don’t know who the hell Courtney Kardashian is, but at least the name Courtney is normal.
Dr. Lisa Cohen, a profesor of clinical psychiatry says there are risks.
“being born into the media spot light has challenges. But a child’s needs always come before a parents needs, so give a child a name that is not hurtful.”
Talk about hurtful, Hey Gwen Stefani, what the hell were you thinking naming your son Zuma Nesta Rock. It sounds like a tourist destination in Central America where a 2nd boat of Pilgrims landed by accident.
What happens when children with stupid names breed?
Erykah Badu and Jay Electronica named their child Mars Merkaba Badu.
The only word my spell check didn’t red line on was the word Mars. Spell check thought I was writing about the planet in our solar system. It didn’t know I was writing about insipid parents who are from a galaxy far far away.
The naming insanity goes on forever
Daniel Baldwin named his son Atticus, like his son is a character in Moby Dick.
David Beckham named his son Romeo. No pressure there.
Erykah Badu, always the fertile tank of stupid, had a child with some other idiot and named their child Seven. Seven. Why not Four or Three or Point Eight? My God, do you people want your children to grow up with a mug shot?
David Bowie named his kid Zowie Bowie. I guess the lyrics didn’t work out in a song so he just named his kid Zowie. Like naming your kid after a cartoon graphic in an old Batman episode is wise. Earth to David; names are forever dumb ass!
From the annals of the obscure. Shannyn Sossamon and Dallas Clayton named their child Audio Science Clayton.
I don’t know who either of these people are and I can only suspect they want their child, boy or girl, gender unknown from the first name Audio, to one day work in a recording studio. Chances are he will be the first chair in a Santa Monica 12 step program.
Anyway, you get my point.
As parents we have a responsibility to do the right thing by our children. Give them a name that is functional and strong and meaningful. Give them a name that gives them a chance, not a name that makes them the butt of jokes, headlines in Life’s Crazy Critique™ and the stuff of funny celebrity headlines and mug shots.
Come on parents. Get off the mescaline and wine coolers and take a moment with a real baby book and catch a clue.
thanks for indulging my rant
Life’s Crazy Cordan aka One Hung Low Cordan aka Carpet Lint Cordan aka Tug on the bill of my cap Cordan.
Thanks mom and dad