You Know What’s Crazy? I’ll Tell You What’s Crazy?™
U2’s free album on iTunes.
DATELINE: HELL has frozen over and the Zombies of thanklessness have stolen the light.
From the collective stink emanating from the internet over night, you would think that civilization woke up Saturday morning and toilets didn’t flush and gangrene had set in.
The overwhelming stench fuming on Twitter and Facebook was palpable, visceral.
The thieves? The scoundrels? The blood thirsty pirates?
Gigantic corporation: Apple and Super Group: U2!
Aaaarrgghh! The usual stew of clandestine digital angst was fuming about the unwanted free downloadable gift.
In case you missed it, the two super entities teamed up and delivered a free gift to every iphone user on Earth.
U2’s new album, Songs of Innocence was digitally downloaded whether you wanted it or not.
From Zimbabwe to Madison Avenue, if you own an iphone with itunes you got it.
People were pissed.
I wonder why?
Santa Claus doesn’t knock before he comes down your chimney, eats your cookies, drinks your milk, and cops a free feel. And neither did U2 or Apple.
They simply showed you that they have more power than the NSA to control the flow of information in your life. It was a musical gift that apparently many of you indolent little bastards can’t stomach.
It was like you woke up and found out the puppy crapped on your new living room rug.
Bummer.
U2 is one of the top 10 bands of all time and they provide you with a new album for free and the world acts like it stepped in dog crap covered in melted bubble gum.
Apparently in an effort to prove that humans will complain about anything at any time for any reason, This just in: “We don’t like the forced gift on our iphone”
That’s right. Many people are not cutting the lawn this morning and not washing the dishes to take time out to get on twitter and bitch about a free download to their iphones that nobody knew was coming and many people apparently didn’t want.
Publications dedicating thought to this topic say it’s possibly the worst publicity stunt since the WKRP in Cincinnati boys dropped turkeys out of a helicopter.
Some say Songs of Innocence left people “confused” and “upset”
My question is why?
It was a gift? A free album from one of the top ten bands of all time. Why are you upset?
Some people don’t like the band. Same bitch “It takes up iphone space.”
You mean you no longer have storage capacity to take another selfie of yourself in your bathroom mirror.
Damn, that sucks for you doesn’t it?
If you get a tie for Christmas as a gift, and you don’t know it’s coming, do you get on Twitter and publicly decry “I hate this tie. I hate you mom. I hate your gift. I hate your tie. I have no more room in my closet for another tie. How dare you give me a gift, a free tie. Mom the Rat Bastard!”
I am once again saddened by you stupid humans. You are thankless. You are algae on the inside of a frat house fish tank where nothing lives except soiled condoms and 6 week old chewing tobacco spit.
A quick look at the social media vomitorium known as Twitter reveals posts like this one:
Apple owes me a new iPhone, because I had to purify this one with fire after finding a U2 album on it
I don’t even have enough storage on my phone 2 take a pic so what makes apple think I want the U2 album automatically downloaded in my music
Tyler, the Creator was not happy to find U2’s newalbum on his phone: “LIKE WAKING UP WITH A PIMPLE OR LIKE A HERPE”
OK, I get the storage space issue. It’s like getting an 11th tie for a 10 tie tie rack.
But equating a classic rock band’s music to pimples? Listening to Little John and One Direction, that’s auditory venereal disease.
I wish Darwin could naturally select most of you back into the bog of creation where your toad like prehistoric nescience could be submerged, drowned, extinguished like a third eye on a super model.
“I don’t want this free gift” is the collective groan of thankless douche bags across the planet.
Apple just gave me a free album and I didn’t want it. Wah Wah Wah.
Shut the F up Globe.
Today’s wasted spewing of bile reminds me that people are ungrateful whiners. Humans like to bitch and complain. We don’t like anything and want to complain about it. And now with the anonymity of the internet and the instantaneous piling on of Twitter, it’s easier than ever to vomit fatuous gusts of breath into the ether.
I listened to the album today and was thankful to hear it. It reminded me of my youth and what a real band should sound like.
Compared to the boy bands and digitally enhanced phlegm that pass for music today, U2 is Moses coming down from the mountain having just received a life road map from God while carrying burning tablets of creativity.
U2 is so vastly superior to the dog excrement being synthesized on laptops in coffee houses around the planet right now, it is insulting to even compare U2 with the regurgitative, voice box enhanced, fruit loop laziness of fly paper nothingness that passes for today’s sound.
Maybe Apple should have warned us they were going to give us a free download so we could choose to accept the gift. But what fun is that? Hi I’m going to surprise you with a new blouse. Here’s what it looks like. Let me know if you want it and I will get it for you. Try to act surprised and pretend to like it. Is that the new millennium version of surprise.
Maybe Apple should have made it easier to get rid of. Well you know what, it’s not always easy to take back a product, especially if it’s free and especially if there is no receipt.
Oh well.
Some young people are whining “we don’t even know who U2 is?”
Well pull your thumb out of your ass and find out. Instead of taking to Twitter. Take to the album. Shut your pie hole and listen to what greatness sounds like.
Quit listening to Katy Perry’s stupidity for 10 minutes and broaden your damn horizons.
Ever hear of the Joshua tree?
Do yourself a favor. Listen.
Look around and breathe it in.
Quit complaining. Cherish the gift. The gift of U2, the gift of life.
If you can’t appreciate a gift, then you really deserve to watch life with a third eye from a tar pit on the edge of shut the F up.
Life’s Crazy™