You know what’s crazy? I’ll tell you what’s crazy!
Alcohol the magic elixir of life?
It takes your brain and arm wrestles good decisions into a pretzel.
It lowers inhibitions and makes everyone look like a super model at last call.
But is Alcohol really good for you?
One Men’s Online Magazine says beer is not only beneficial, but dares to call it a health drink.
Remember when beer was bad? Remember when beer made you fat and slovenly and a candidate for on line porn?
Now apparently beer is good and wine is healthy.
Hmmmm?
What the hell happened?
After years of less filling / Tastes Great debates, there is now a scientific about face on the health effects of booze.
We’ve always known that beer was good for getting drunk and making you more apathetic about being pathetic, but now the good news.
I’m talking like actual, scientific health benefits.
I know, it’s hard to fathom. But if true…
Thank the lord and pass the nuts.
Benjamin Franklin said it best: “Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.”
You go Ben.
And this from a guy who is best remembered for flying a kite in an electrical storm?
Ben Franklin the father of electricity and true hero of hops, barley and the American Way!
According to askmen.com: The average American man drinks 23 gallons of bee and 15 pints of wine.
23 gallons of beer?
That sounds like a softball team at Hooters.
All in all, each year, about 200 million barrels (that’s 6.2 billion gallons) of beer are produced. That equates to $116 billion worth of alcoholic beverages.
My college frat drank 116 billion dollars worth of alcohol in one semester. Nobody graduated and nobody cared.
My roommate once beer-bonged a quart of tequila in one swallow. He didn’t die. But had he died, it would have been an excellent police report to read.
So if beer is the new healthy, count me in.
But is it healthy?
I once watched a friend accidentally set his face on fire in a bar. He was doing something he called a flaming green lizard. When he blew the flame out ,the liquid blew onto his face. I just remember the alcohol on his skin burning in a deep blue and orange hue. He was so hammered he was laughing like a drunken hyena.
Was this a health benefit? Perhaps he was exfoliating his skin.
Who am I to say?
So the study says beer is good!
By that logic, playing Russian roulette more than one time is also good.
Putting the top down on a sports car and flooring it through the Vegas Desert without a police escort is also good.
Thong Bikini’s? Unequivocally good.
And now, beer is higher up the food chain of life than good.
Beer is bordering on celestial, perhaps even ethereal.
Is there really a beer angel? Is there a place in heaven where the cooler is always stocked and set to a perfect 34 degrees.
Somewhere in the distance I hear harps playing.
When you climb Mt. Sinai, God doesn’t give you commandments, he hands you a Heineken. That is the spiritual power of beer!
Not that beer needs any more superlatives, but the news for beer is good.
IS BEER THE NEXT HEALTH DRINK?
The men’s on line magazine quotes studies that suggest, when consumed in moderation, beer has many health benefits.
Moderate amounts of alcohol may be good for the heart.
I know beer is good for my heart. When I am sad, it cheers me up. When I am happy, it makes me happier. When I am amorous, well it gives me something hard and icy to hold.
An Emory University study involving over 2,200 elderly men and women discovered that those who consumed at least 1.5 drinks daily had up to a 50% less risk of suffering from heart failure.
Maybe they were too drunk to do anything more physical than drool and recline in their Lazy-Boy.
Another study conducted in Europe suggests that moderate consumption of beer or wine may have anti-inflammatory properties, which can lower the risk coronary heart disease.
I don’t know about you, but the more I drink, the more inflammatory I tend to be.
I don’t have a PHD in human physiology, but I am a professor of suds-ology.
So here are some of the health benefits I directly attribute to beer.
1) It transforms a 2 at 10pm into a 10 at 2 am.
2) It can lead to sex which can provide good cardio vascular activity.
3) It massages the brain, inducing liquid bravery and imaginary strength.
The French drink a lot of red wine.
They reportedly drink the most alcohol and have the lowest rate of coronary heart disease.
Of course the French not known for their bravery or risk taking may have less coronary heart disease because hiding and running away is not that stressful.
So the next time you drink a beer, don’t feel guilty, feel proud.
Do a beer bong full of tequila and know that you are adding years to your life.
And while you are driving the porcelain bus to furthered health benefits, think about Ben Franklin and thank him for his contributions to mankind.
Life’s Crazy™