You know what’s crazy? I’ll tell you what’s crazy.
Pat the Patriot getting busted for prostitution.
DATELINE: PROVIDENCE—Rhode Island
Recently, State Police arrest 14 people for prostitution-related crimes. One of the men spends NFL Sundays wearing the costume of the New England Patriots.
His name; Robert Sormanti. He’s 47-years-old. The Warwick man is one of several people who share the incredible burden of wearing the New England Patriots Mascot suit. It is unclear whether Sormanti was wearing the big Patriot head while negotiating sex with a hooker. It is unclear whether he was wearing a Trojan on his little mascot. The police report is less telling than one might hope.
Can you imagine the surprise experienced by the cop who made that bust, sneaking up on a Lady of the Evening and her sadly deformed John. I can see it now; with the cop’s hand poised on his holster, he moves cautiously to the slightly undulating vehicle. The officer tries to gaze into the steamy darkness of the vehicle, the but the windows are horribly fogged. Somewhere in the darkness Jack the Ripper is waiting. Then the man in blue sees the horrible sight that will force him to visit the department’s psychiatrist for months to come. He sees a massive head with a triangle hat bobbing up and down. The officer knows something is seriously wrong when he hears the sound of a man grunting, panting, and all of it echoing off the inside of a big mascot head like moans inside of a marble floored closet.
“OH PAT, Your head is so big!,” the hooker is heard saying as the cop rips open the door. The look on the giant mascot head is frozen in a “let’s get a touchdown kind of smile.” The cop shakes his head knowing that he is about to enforce an unnecessary justice on two lovers engaged in the world’s most ancient form of commerce.
“It takes balls to bang a hooker wearing a big mascot head,” the cop says sadly slapping the cuffs on the 8 foot tall John whose sobs echo inside the vacuous head.
Can you imagine the Stanford Tree gyrating around in the back seat of a whore waggon? Jingle Bells and tinsel spilling all over the floor. What a mess. Somewhere in the background the desultory Standford Band is playing “It’s all right now.”
How about the Oregon mascot? He or it would look like some gigantic, Disney character fornicating, trying to get his nasty on. Wonder if the sex act could be sponsored by Phil Knight at Nike.
How about the Phillie Fanatic with its big green snout and long slithering tongue? According to the “Hookers Bill of Rights”, Johns will be charged extra for a tongue over three feet long.
Patriot officials issued this statement: “The Pat Patriot mascot costume is worn by multiple people, each of whom are held responsible and accountable for their actions. The individual in question has been suspended. The mascot responsibilities will continue to be fulfilled by others,“
A call to Sormanti’s home was not immediately returned.
If you wore a big mascot head and just got busted for banging a hooker wearing your big mascot head, would you “immediately call the press back?”
NO.
The message on his cell phone went a little something like this: “Pat the Patriot is out right now. He’s drowning his sorrows in a dime bag of spleef and a dirty martini that he is mixing in an old McDonald’s coke cup. Please leave a message.”
So the next time you’re watching a sporting event and see the giant headed Spartan, Bull dog, Gorilla snorting and urging you to cheer; just imagine him in the back seat of a Cadillac Eldorado shaking his groove thing.
That’s enough to bring a smile to your face, or a tear to your eye, or both.
And that is crazy!