Run Dumbass Run

Winning millions of dollars in the state lottery, then leaving your uptight wife high and dry.

It’s the American dream!

No, not leaving your wife high and dry, but Winning the lottery!

DATELINE: MIRAMAR, Fla.

It all starts in June 2007. That’s when a wild ass mechanic named Armin “Dumbass” Ramdass wins 19 million dollars with his work mates.

Ramdass does what few do, but many contemplate doing, he takes the money and runs like a squirrel hiding nuts. The married man runs so hard and so fast with the cash that he litterally disappears off the face of the planet. Dumbass Ramdass is gone, like morning fog. His wife can do little more than sniffle and wonder what the hell.

Donna Cambpell is still married to Dumbass, not that means a lot.

If I was Mrs. Dumbass, I’d start googling fake boobs, margaritas, and tiny drink umbrellas and see what pops up. Perhaps that’s where Dumbass has gone. It’s sure a helluva lot better place to start looking than Miramar, Florida.

And start looking she should go, because if she is going to get paid, she needs to catch up to her peregrine mate. Dumbass could be hiding amongst the Yanamamo Indians in the South American Rain Forests. He could eating whatle blubber in New Foundland. But chances are he is on the coast, somewhere, dipping his toes into surf that is mighty warm and aqua blue.

Meanwhile, the bank is evicting Mrs. Dumbass. You see when Dumbass hauled ass, he left Cambpell and the mortgage and said “baby I’m vapor.”

Sadly, the bank is foreclosing anyway. Campbell says she would like to sue her husband’s dumb ass for divorce and take half his winnings and maybe make him pay his fair share of the mortgage, but so far, Dumbass is dust in the wind.

“I have asked myself over and over what I did to deserve this, to deserve this ending,” Campbell told local media.

Here’s my first and most prominent question: How could your husband win the state lottery and you not know about it? Are you kidding me? Show me a man who wins the state Lottery and his wife not know about it, and I’ll show you a wife who just had a lobotomy.

Campbell claims not to have a clue. No cancelled checks, no cell phone calls, no master card bills. Nope. Dumbass has vanished. He apparently packed an over night bag and stamped his passport for Booty Beach.

Now the family home is being foreclosed on, because unlike Campbell, the bank doesn’t give a rat’s ass where Dumbass is, and they just want someone’s ass to pay the cabbage.

“I have no idea where he is,” Campbell said.

Well sweetheart; my advice is you get off your fat ass and start looking for Dumbass. I can give you 19 million reasons why finding him would benefit you.

According to a local publication; the only trace of Dumbass are wedding pictures on the dining room table. Why keep those around?

I’d get a tracking dog, a gps device, a 9 mm and start smoking unfiltered cigarettes, and get down to finding your boy. I’d put up a poster of a gigantic 19 million dollar bill on the wall and I would talk to each morning for inspiration. I would ask that 19-million-dollar poster for a magic 8 ball that would tell me dumbass’ direction of flight.

Oh mighty Google God: where is my husband Dumbass?

Campbell tells a local tv station she wants to divorce Ramdass, file suit for her half of the money and serve him with papers.

Well then Mrs Dumbass, you better set your compass to clandestine sneaky mode, because Dumbass did what many husbands are burning to do.

He took the money and he ran. He ran and he ran and he left nothing but a vapor trail of lipstick stained martini glasses and cheap perfume. There are no receipts, no records. He is a CIA spook, living in the ether. He is a cash only kind of guy.

Funny how big the world is even in this time of FACEBOOK and iphones huh? You think the Yanamamo Indians want you to FRIEND them?

Run DUMBASS run. If you ever stop, Mrs. Dumbass is gonna catch you and beat your ass and get her half.

She deserves it and you deserve an ass whoopin starting with a lip stick stained martini glass upside your head.

And that my friends is crazy.