Throwing acid in Santa Claus’ face.
Wearing a Klan hood at a Jay Zee concert.
Having sex with the Easter Bunny.
This next report seems so insane, so insidious, I thought it was a sick joke. But then I saw it was published in the BOSTON HERALD, and you know what they say about the Boston Herald; an excellent newspaper to line your bird cage.
So what is it that turned my stomach so violently, Linda Blair called for pointers?
Before I tell you, a quick warning: If you love animals stop reading right now.
If you are easily disturbed by demented humans who fornicate with forest creatures, quickly click on another post.
If you are the kind of person who shaves their crotchal region with scalding grease and gargles with Old Spice because you want breath that smells like the Port of Tunisia, then let your pupils dance to the paragraphs below.
DATELINE: BOSTON
Abel Aguirre, 38, of Chelsea was convicted yesterday of animal cruelty for having sex with his roommate’s rabbit.
BAM
And there it is. Sex with a rabbit! GUILTY in my book. Guilty of being a deviant! Guilty of being insane! Guilty of having the sensibilities of chewed gum.
Is there even a chapter in the Boston legal code that covers sex with a rabbit? Donkey’s?, Horses?, Dogs?, maybe, but bunnies?
According to the Suffolk County District Attorney’s Office, Aguirre faces up to 2 years in the House of Corrections and a $2,500 fine at sentencing today.
If I’m the sentencing judge in this case; Aguirre is tied down naked with bunny chum spread across his manhood. I then call in all the deceased Bunnie’s family members who get five minutes alone with the convicted bunny humper. Have you ever seen crazed rabbits eating peanut butter flavored manhood with sharp bunny teeth? It can get pretty gnarly.
According to court documents; Aguirre assaulted the rabbit June 1, 2008. Apparently, Aguirre’s roommate told investigators she came home and found blood and clumps of rabbit fur on the bathroom floor and a claw belonging to the bunny. In Aguirre’s room, she found a used condom with rabbit fur on it. The rabbit was injured and bleeding.
“My jaw hit the floor,” one juror said about the disturbing testimony. The rabbit has died, but not of its injuries, she said.
What do you say to this? A man has sex with a bunny? It is mind boggling. Where is the blow up doll when you really need it?
Hopefully there is a place in hell for the Abel Aguirre’s of the world. A place where caffeneited PETA activists armed with electric cattle prods seek vengeance for mistreated poultry and small animals with a propensity for rabies.
That’s all I got. I’m so amazed, I’m shutting down the Messed Up department for the rest of the day.
And that is truly crazy!