You know what’s crazy? I’ll tell you what’s crazy.
Drinking to excess and hoping not to feel hungover.
If you have ever woken up the next morning with cobwebs in your eyes and vomit stuffed up your nose and a grizzly bear clawing your appendix and Niagra Falls trying to gush out your rectum, I can understand why you would be interested in an alcohol-antedote.
So drunks, party animals and doctors with clinical credentials have all weighed in with some tried and true methods.
METHOD 1: STAY HYDRATED
Clinicians say: Alcohol inhibits secretion of the hormone vasopressin, (whatever the hell that is) bringing on dehydration, which exacerbates the symptoms of a hangover.
To a frat boy this is known as cotton mouth. It’s what you get after a night of dry heaving and wondering how your Nike high tops fell off your feet.
So what is the best hydration plan?
1) Drink a large quantity of liquid at the end of a night or
2) drink water throughout the evening.
I’ve tried both and if you are going to drink something other than Cuervo, then I suggest drinking water in between shots. It helps mellow out the free fall of alcoholism. If you wait till 3am and try guzzling a quart of water, chances are you will hydrate yourself right to the toilet for an enjoyable night of sleeping by the porcelin god.
Some super drunks prefer GATORADE. The idea is Gatorade’s 6 percent carbohydrate solution promotes rehydration better than mere water.
But unless you’re bar doubles as a 7-11, most night spots don’t serve Gatorade so you’re probably out of luck.
METHOD 2: ABSORB SLOWER, METABOLIZE FASTER
Doctors say Food delays gastric emptying in the stomach–meaning alcohol stays there longer and is processed more slowly.
I agree that it is dangerous as hell to drink on an empty stomach, but you don’t want to over do it either. The last thing you need to eat before slamming boilermakers is a 1 pound, greasy-ass burritto. It might coat your stomach but it could also coat everything else in your house when it comes up in a machine-gun-like spray of vomit.
METHOD 3: REPLACE ESSENTIAL NUTRIENTS
Doctors say salt helps you retain the fluid you lose over a night of drinking. Some have said Saltines before bed is a good idea. With 32 milligrams of salt per cracker, this is a surefire way to keep from drying up.
The problem is; who the hell has time to eat 10 saltine crackers before they face plant into their pillow. Saltines are one of those foods that you sort of need to pay attention to. They are hard and sharp. If not chewed thoroughly a saltine can rip your esophagus to shreds. Personally, if you need salt, pour some out of the shaker on your tongue and wash it down with a gulp of H20.
THE ROCKY METHOD:
We’ve all seen Rocky wake up and crack eggs and down them in a gooey disgusting coagulating mess. Well some veterans of the 12-step legion swear by:
THE BULL’S-EYE(12-oz glass of OJ mixed with a raw egg)
The Claim is Fructose in the OJ helps promote breakdown of alcohol, and egg protein replaces lost nutrients.
My advice, if you are going to throw up, by-pass the egg, forgo the OJ, just shove your finger down your throat and get it over with.
METHOD 4: HAIR OF THE DOG
This one is straight from the frat boy manual. The Claim is, Hangovers only hit once you sober up, so stay drunk.
I’ve tried this. I felt myself sobering up, my head ballooning to the size of a small carry on bag, my mouth drying up like an Arizona desert. So what did I do, “Get me a beer bong!” It works, but the problem is, sooner or later you have to sober up, and chances are the more alcohol you have consumed and the longer you have stayed awake, the worse you will feel.
My advice: Don’t drink more alcohol to avoid a hangover.
METHOD 5: DRINK ONLY LIGHT-COLORED ALCOHOL (white wine, vodka, and gin)
The theory: lighter drinks have fewer headache-inducing congeners than darker drinks, like red wine, beer, and dark liquors.
This is a bunch of crap. Booze is Booze. Vodka, Gin, Rum, it’s a Pirate’s Life for me!
And if you outlaw all the Beneton of booze, how could you ever drink a Long Island Ice Tea, the king of hangover starters.
METHOD 6: TAKE TWO ASPIRIN AND CALL ME IN THE MORNING.
This has always been my prefered method of choice. It usually heads off the headache, though it doesn’t always help with the sour stomach.
Be careful, the experts say. “Aspirin can irritate the stomach,” says Dr. Swift. And mixing alcohol and Tylenol can damage the liver.
METHOD: 7 EXERCISE
This is something I wouldn’t even consider. The time it takes to get down on the floor and do sit ups, I’d just as soon crawl to the sink and begin heaving.
The experts say sweating helps leach alcohol out of your system more quickly, but who the hell wants to sweat right before they go to bed when their head is spinning and their heart is racing.
With that said: Have a hang-over free weekend everyone.