You know what’s crazy? I’ll tell you what’s crazy.™
Women are Crazy. Men are Idiots. The Bedroom
Even unconscious – men and women are different.
Even when we are quiet, when our brain activity is slightly higher than lint, men and women exhibit signs of difference if not down right incompatibility.
Men snore like lumberjacks and tornado sirens. Men don’t care if they snore. After all, we are asleep, and when men sleep, nothing else matters. We will drink beer with our buddies proudly proclaiming: “The old ball and chain says I snore. I told her I don’t care.”
Women snore like field mice, breathing quietly, as if a librarian is admonishing them to be silent. Women will never admit snoring. In fact, women deny making any abhorrent noises.
Men sleep large. Our legs are spread wide like we are swan diving off a Mexican cliff. We have our arms up over our heads like we are world federation wrestlers. We toss and we turn off the mattress like it is a child’s bounce house.
Women sleep small. They occupy a sleeping space you could fit in an over head bin. Women sleep narrow, in a dedicated space, like a coffin in a cemetery in Japan.
Women rarely toss and turn, moving only slightly. A woman whose legs go numb would rather wait for morning before disturbing the equanimity of sleep.
Men could care less about keeping the night time peace. Men will toss and turn like a hand grenade in a phone booth. We pull the covers and kick the comforter like a game of nocturnal tug of war.
Men push their feet out from beneath the blanket, allowing cool air to rejuvenate our bodies through out toe nails.
Women need to be cocooned, feet protected, wrapped in a taco of warmth. Night time air on any body part is not recommended and usually not welcome.
Men lumber and slumber and sleep like a typhoon blowing through a Polynesian village of linens and sheets. Women are tranquil pools of restful bliss, like the baptismal fountain in church.
Men occasionally like to rub the cold bottoms of their feet on a woman’s calf. A woman – sometimes will lay her head on a man’s bare chest to hear the rhythm of his beating heart. Perhaps the sound soothes her to sleep. Perhaps the beating reminds her to pray that it will one day stop.
Women occasionally like to cuddle and spoon and hold on to their man. Men would rather slide over for a quickie and then roll over to finish off that sandwich left on the nightstand.
The bedroom is an incubator of crazy. It is a room that contains the bed which is a symbol of many things matrimonial.
When kept clean and made daily and decorated with day pillows, the BED can symbolize household tranquility and pride of ownership. It can visually inspire, make you want to come home and tell your significant other you love her.
When stripped back, the BED can represent wild passion and headboard banging intensity that brought two people together in the first place.
The BED can also be a microcosm of the entire relationship. It’s a place where two people have to learn to co-exist in a Queen sized space.
The bed is the thermometer of relationship crazy. Is there too much blanket or not enough blanket. Is there too much noise, too many lumps, too much sex or not enough?
Crazy can manifest itself in a TV left on in the bedroom while one partner wants to sleep. Crazy can be a smell that permeates a comforter like a stagnating stench of disgust. Crazy can be a cold shoulder, or a roll to the edge of the mattress with hardly a “good night” whispered.
To combat night time crazy, you can either fight, grin and bear it, or get some ear plugs and eye shades and isolate yourself from what bothers you.
Someone more sage than me once said, Never go to bed angry. It’s simple advice that is not always easy to administer.
That simple advice should be implemented, especially in bed, right before you say good night, and roll over to your respective quadrant of slumber.
And that is crazy.™