You know what’s crazy? I’ll tell you what’s crazy.™
A man who lives with a worm behind his eyeball for 9 months. That is crazy.
DATELINE: Iowa
It sounds like a scene from STAR TREK: Wrath of Kahn when Sulu pulls that space thing out of his ear.
But we don’t have to go all the way to the Neutral Zone for this crazy tale. Nope, we need go no further than the United Federation of Corn to find the stupidest man in the universe.
His name: John Matthews.
According to the Iowa Telegraph Herald, (Telegraph? what’s their motto? NEWS at the speed of a tractor pull) reported that this corn husker lived with the worm behind his eye ball for 9 months.
9 MONTHS!
Wouldn’t you, after let’s say, a month, say to yourself; Hey why is that worm in my vision no matter what I look at. Hey mom is that a worm on your face.
How come all the clouds in the sky look like worms? Honey why do I always feel like eating leaves and aerating our lawn?
Apparently Mr. John Matthews from Bellevue Iowa was too busy husking corn to worry about the chronic and constant distraction of worm-a-vision.
“Sorry officer. I didn’t see the light change on account of that massive worm on the hood of my car.”
“Sir have you been drinking tonight?.”
Matthews was tested at the University of Iowa Hospitals and Clinics where doctors discovered the invasive creature lurking inside his skull. The rushed Matthews into a treatment room where they shot a laser into his eyeball to kill the worm.
It ain’t exactly Dr. Leonard McCoy’s sick bay, but in Iowa, you do what you can.
The Telegraph Herald reported that it took a second round of laser treatment before the worm was killed. It was feeding on brain matter and eye juice. To a worm, that’s like Performance Enhancing Drugs.
If it took Matthews 9 months to laser blast a worm in his eye ball. How long do you think it would have taken him to notice a Giraffe in his scrotum? 8 weeks? How about a washing machine in his prostate? a month? How long Mr. Matthews would it take you to notice that you have monkey stink under your arms?
This story does nothing but remind me of how ridiculous human beings are.
I eat popcorn and get a tiny kernel stuck in my molar and I’m trying to dig it out with an ice pick.
I get a hair in my eye and I go crazy throwing water in my face trying to get the hair dislodged.
I get a pebble in my shoe and I immediately shake it out before I take another step.
I gotta think that if I have a worm, a postage stamp, a speck of spatial nebula behind my eye, I’m seeking medical attention.
Matthews said he either picked up the parasite on vacation in Mexico or it could have been a raccoon roundworm he caught while turkey hunting.
Hey Matthews; that the best you can come up with?
I’ve been to Mexico. I’ve slept under a gas tanker truck in a Pemex gas station hiding from the Federales till dawn. I got a sore back but I never got worm eye.
And racoon hunting? I’ve been hunting and didn’t kill a deer or my wife. I also didn’t see a giant worm crashing throught the forest.
I’m betting you were face diving into manure. Maybe snorting pig excrement in the barn with the other members of the Iowa choke ball gang.
Mr. Matthews, I can say this. You are either mid west tough or Iowa corn bread dumb not to know that a worm is free loading in your visual cortex.
And that is crazy.