You know what’s crazy? I’ll tell you what’s crazy!™
A man who Kills himself with a homemade Guillotine. Now that is crazy – ingenious – But Crazy!
DATELINE: MOSCOW, Russia
According to Pravda, a depressed Russian engineer built a macabre homemade guillotine to commit suicide in his bedroom.
If there was a suicide channel, here’s how it would promote this prime time event.
ANNOUNCER 1: Albert Repin is certainly troubled. He told his parents he was building a closet inside their Moscow home.
ANNOUNCER 2: But as we now know, this suicidal madman was building a death machine that would have made the court of King Henry VIII proud.
VOICE OVER: The Closet Killing Machine. Saturday Night, only on the Suicide Channel. All Death. All the time!
What should have been an excellent place to hang ties and folded pants turned into a death chamber of blood, guts and half severed heads in this Moscow bedroom.
According to Russian News outlets: the 47 year old man told his family he was building a new closet, but behind his locked bedroom door, the divorced man was secretly building a chilling replica of the 18th century killing machine — famously used to behead enemies of the French Revolution.
Repin built his death machine out of plywood, rope and metal sheeting.
So much ad potential for the Suicide Channel, don’t you think?
The network could offer The HomeDepot an exclusive.
It could have guillotine-cam, locked down on the cutting blade.
It could have tie ins for BandAids and of course the funeral industry would be the suicide channel’s bread and advertising butter.
It could cross promote: Attention HomeDepot shoppers, don’t forget to visit our suicide special in aise 8. Rope. Sharpened Sheet metal. Two by fours. Beheading baskets. Condolence Cards. Everything you need to kill yourself in 18th century style. Only at the Home Depot.
Can you imagine the final moments of this sad life. The depressed, but mechanically inclined man, climbing into his contraption, worried about dying, but probably more concerned with his mechanism working correctly.
ANNOUNCER 1: Yes, Jim. Repin is checking his instruments now. There’s a fierce look of determination on his face. Though his head is resting in the basket, his eyes peer forward, checking the nearby blue print. His fingers wrap around the ropes as he gives them a final tug testing their taughtness. His eyes follow the guide wires to the ceiling where the sparkling blade sits poised to carry out the only task it is designed for.
ANNOUNCER 2: What is going through Repin’s thoughts, Bob? Is it despondency and anticipation that the end is finally near? Or is it, satisfaction that his contraption is completed and at least on paper, appears to be functional.
ANNOUNCER: 1: And what if it does work, Jim? Will he be depressed that he didn’t get to witness the smooth mechanism in action? Every inventor wants to taste success of invention.
ANNOUNCER 2: Sadly Bob. If Repin’s contraption works, he will miss that opportunity.
Can you imagine the horror of this contraption. A blade, razor sharp, hosited to the ceiling. Its cutting edge so precise it hurts just to look at it. The rope holding it in place, pulled tightly, wound with kinetic energy that will ride the earth’s gravity and pull the blade down, smoothly on its death track.
And there is Repin’s head, laying on its wicker pillow.
Then the cut of the rope, and the activation of the inertia that starts the mechanism forward. Like a jet ripping off the top of an aircraft carrier, pummeling at maxium speed toward the soft pulp on the back of a man’s neck.
WHOOOSH
The design calls for a cut that is clean and singular. The head remains in place for a moment, but then the fine line of the severed neck fills with a rich red blood.
As the life gurgles out of the body, and it slumps to the floor, the neck pulls back from the skull. Like deboning a shrimp, Repin’s head and body seperate. The imagery is grotesque, yet final.
ANNOUNCER 1: He gets points for creativity, but his design was flawed.
ANNOUNCER 2: Yes Bob, I’m sure if he was alive today, to try to kill himself again, Repin would be disappointed. It’s not the cleanest cut we’ve seen.
ANNOUNCER 1: Speaking of clean cuts folks; remember The HomeDepot can sharpen your guitilline blade for you. Just ask. The HomeDepot where we help you do it yourself.
ANNOUNCER 2: Well that’s all the time we have tonight. Make sure to join us next Saturday night when the Suicide Channel takes you live to the Golden Gate Bridge for the annual Bay Area Jump-athon.”
In reality, this is the way the local news reported it: “The guillotine did not cut off his head completely only because the metal was not sharpened,” a local Russian police spokesman is quoted as saying.
According to Repin’s parents, his brother kicked down the bedroom door when he wouldn’t respond to calls.
The shocked sibling burst in to find Repin’s body slumped beside the horrifying execution device, Pravda said.
Relatives say he never got over his divorce, which happened several years ago.
“He was always building something,” Repin’s devastated mother added. “This time he said he was building a closet.”
I still see a fantastic promo for the Suicide Channel.
ANNOUNCER: A mother’s tears. A man’s torment. The ingenuity of death. See 18th century execution in a 21st century world. The Closet of death! Next on SC Live!
And that is crazy!