You know what’s crazy? I’ll tell you what’s crazy!
Sending stink through the mail.
You would think after a billion fake anthrax calls in this nation, sending anything that has a pungent smell through the mail would be prohibited. But that apparently is not the case in the Java Capital of our country.
DATELINE: BELLEVUE, Washington
According to a new safety campaign, Puget Sound Energy is including a scratch and sniff pamphlet with its billing statement.
The bill will smell like rotten eggs.
Why are they stinking up their bills? Officials say to remind customers what leaking gas smells like.
The pamphlet explains that natural gas is odorless, but providers add a chemical to the gas that has a distinctive, sulfur-like aroma similar to rotten eggs so leaks can be detected.
It’s a pretty good campaign don’t you think?
Pay your bill and by the way sniff this!
It’s Madison Avenue’s version of Pavlovian psychology. You know, programming a response in an animal. A dog smells food and salivates. A cat hears the can opener and comes a running. A man sees a well endowed female and has to adjust himself accordingly.
Well now the gas company is using the prehistoric olfactory senses to get you to scratch and sniff and write a check.
The gas company says it is promoting safety. I also think it just wants its customers to learn how to not blow up so customers can live long power consuming lives writing big power consuming checks.
Don’t die. Use Power. It’s a deliciously fiendish idea.
Economics under the guise of safety.
What if other industries followed suit?
What if ALL STATE sent a bill home and it stunk like burning rubber and spilled gasoline.
The Campaign: Drive slower. Don’t crash other wise you could end up smelling like this. Would that get you to slow down?
How bout NISSAN sending a bill that smells like human underarm.
The Campaign: pay your bill or you’ll be walking to your next appointment stinking like this? Would the stench of hairy underarm promote timely payments.
I wish I could send you people a bill for reading That’s Crazy. What aroma would lend itself to the Crazy Bill?
How bout the smell of unicorn scat? The fermenting rainbow colored forest droppings of the mythological creature are long considered an aphrodesiac in the Orient. I just made that up, but somewhere in Hong Kong right now, a hard up little man is cramming unicorn scat into his pie hole and hoping to get lucky on a Saturday night. Poor bastard.
Our Crazy Campaign: Unicorn Scat? Fah-get-a-boud-it! Pay your bill or a guy named Salvatore is coming to your home and break your legs. We’re crazy and we need to get paid.
But you like the stench of unicorn scat you say. Well we’re crazy and that is just the stench of the month. We have many scents of the month.
Wait till December’s bill arrives. I have asked the R and D department to saturate your bill with Elf Urine.
The Campaign: Elves are small but their urine stinks bad.
January’s bill: Road Skunk. The Campaign: I think dad made that smell.
February’s Bill: Lemon scented dish washing detergent. The Campaign: why the hell does clean have to smell like fruit?
Just remember our motto: Crazy; you can shut your blinds, but its still hiding under your bed like dirty laundry that can never be cleaned.