You know what’s crazy? I’ll tell you what’s crazy!
Robbing banks is crazy.
Robbing banks when you are 75 years old is crazier.
Robbing banks when you are 75 years old and using a “walker” as a get-a-way car is craziest!
DATELINE: Vancouver, Canada
This is no Butch Cassidy and the Sun Dance Kid Odyssey. This is Forest Gump “Stupid is as Stupid Does”
According to the Ottawa Citizen: The unidentified senior citizen walked into a Prince George Bank of Nova Scotia and told the teller that he was armed.
Armed with a gun? Armed with Geritol? He never specified.
It’s not the employee’s money, so she yawned while handing the liver spotted old timer the cash.
Then, this bad ass bank robber fled into history in a slow motion display of dexterity and arthritic exuberance.
He leaned on his metallic walker, shifted his weight onto his non surgically repaired leg, and pushed off with the grace of a beer keg rolling down library stairs.
That’s right, he made his get-a-way with a walker! One of those steel contraptions that looks like a laundry cart with tennis balls on the feet. Why tennis balls? Well you wouldn’t want to scuff the floor at the old Prince George Bank now would we?
It took Canadian police 45 minutes to respond. 45 minutes. What the hell kind of police force takes 45 minutes to respond to a bank robbery.
Turns out 45 minutes was plenty of time.
Canadian police responded to the call of a man wearing a straw hat, white T-shirt, grey jogging pants and dark glasses.
Nice disguise Methuselah!
Oh and did we fail to mention police were hunting a bank robber in a get-a-way walker. I hope it was a V-8 walker, with brand new tennis balls for extra spring.
According to the newspaper, the man didn’t get very far.
Apparently at 2 mph, he hadn’t even made it out of a nearby parking lot and that’s where police boxed the old guy and his walker in.
Can you imagine the cops throwing the old timer down on the front hood of his own walker. Those handle bars hurt when they spike you in the sternum.
Just imagine how this story would be different if the old timer’s
get away car was a car or even a skate board. He might have made it to the Dairy Queen. What if he used a wheel chair? Dare I say a golf cart, he might have made it all the way to the strip club on the edge of town.
Spokesman for authorities, Gary Godwin, said, “It’s not every day you get a 75-year-old male on a walker holding up a bank. We’re looking at all the circumstances that are involved.”
If only every bank robber was a walker toting 75 year old bad ass. This world would be a better place. Crime would be easier, almost enjoyable.
You could pick up the front page of your local rag and see the headline:
80-Year-old shoots it out with authorities with spit balls.
Solvability of crimes would be in the high 90’s. Prison terms would rarely last more than a few years due to death. And tax payers would love to learn that apple sauce and mash potatoes is way cheaper than normal prison food.
Ah a world of 75 year old bad asses.
A man can dream can’t he?
and that is crazy!