You know what’s crazy? I’ll tell you what’s crazy.™
The BCS National Championship Game.
Since most of you will be drunk soon, I decided to be your scribe of history, your Oscar Madison of Sports, documenting random ruminations that I see, feel and hear.
So this is my crazy tribute to the game, to the city of New Orleans, to the teams, and to the broadcast.
It starts like all games, with a 90 minute pregame show. If you count the entire ESPN network dedication to this event, it’s been like a 12 hour docu-drama.
There are a million aerials of the Superdome lit up like an electricified spaceship. For some reason, all I can think about is Katrina, and people standing on roofs with signs that scream HELP.
After hours of hype, finally the national anthem, sung by opera star Anthony Laciura.
He looks like a good fella from the Sopranos. He steps to the microphone, puts his hand on his heart and begins to wail. There is no background music. He just starts powering through words.
OH SAY YOU CAN YOU SEE?
Somewhere dogs across the Bayou are barking and windows are breaking.
Laciura wails and bellows and he damn near blows his face off with the final Salvo.
The American flag unfurls, and it is awe inspiring.
The crowd is panned early and often. There is an elephant with his elephant fingers on his gigantic heart. There is an LSU tiger with his paw on his heart.What says America more than animals ready to do battle in costumes, reciting the pledge of allegiance.
The camera zooms in on a large man with a big black shirt that says: 8732. What is that? It’s not a zip code? It’s not an area code? Is it a penal code?
It might mean something to him, it sure makes my brain say WTF?
Brent Musburger calls this “the game of the century rematch.” I hope not. The first game of the century was kind of boring with LSU barely winning 9-6.
The Tide come out of the tunnel first. There is a smattering of boos from the heavily partisan Louisiana crowd. Red and White pompoms shake. Running back Richardson looks like a monster.
Then LSU comes out amidst a roar and flying technicolored confetti explosions. It feels mean and spirited and raucous.
A lady with a tiger paw print on her face screams so loudly and bounces so readily I imagine her bosoms breaking off and falling over the railing.
I like Musburger, but he is all ready equating this to the Thrilla in Manilla. Ali and Frazier? I don’t think so. It makes you wonder if Madison Avenue is at the helm of this ESPN ship.
The Coin flip is Tails never fails. The crowd screams and someone in Vegas just won some bank.
Bama wins the toss and defers to the 2nd half. GAME ON.
First series and Bama looks like some crazed wolves looking for meat ponchos. The hits are ferocious. This doesn’t resemble college. This looks like the NFL, perhaps prison ball.
There is a fumble. Bama forces a three and out. LSU sucks.
The game is ferocious at the start. There is obvious intensity. It’s like a pregnant woman going into labor on spring break during an LMFAO concert. It’s intense and something is going to blow. Compared to this start, other bowl games have been limp.
Six minutes of football and the first commercial break.
And of course it is an All State Commercial featuring the character Mayhem. I love Mayhem. He is streaking or falling off a roof or yelling out GPS coordinates; “TURN RIGHT NOW” “RECALCULATING.” HILARIOUS.
MAYHEM could be the poster child for Crazy. I remember when he was in the HBO series OZ, a gritty series about prison inmates. I’m pretty sure Mayhem had a shower scene where he did a little full frontal nudity. I’M JUST SAYING.
I look up and LSU is punting again.
Are the Ford Commercials for real? Are these real Ford owners? Are these real questions from real reporters? What do you like about your Ford? Hard hitting, huh?
My first impression of the commercials? Lame. Boring. I saw them all yesterday during the NFL playoffs. Compared to the Superbowl of Superbowl commercials, these seem like tired youtube videos of cats playing banjos. And I don’t even know what that means.
And of course, the first score is another freaking field goal. That’s six field goals in a row in 5 quarters in two games so far…Please!
11 minutes in and LSU gets its first first down.
3rd series. 3rd punt for LSU. The Tigers look a little disheveled.
So far I’m a little bored. After his win in the regular season finale, Gundy, the Oklahoma State Head Coach said wouldn’t you rather see us play for the title, wouldn’t you rather see a 39 to 36 national championship game? Starting to wonder about that.
ESPN game break lets me know that Tim Tebow makes a quarter million dollars for winning the playoff game against Pittsburgh. Wonder if he’ll donate that to charity or end up in a gentleman’s club making it rain, like a bible thumping Pac Man Jones.
A leaping catch at the end of the first quarter takes the Tide 26 yards downfield. The crowd erupts. If this is Oregon or Standford or Ok St, 26 yards is a yawner. But in this slug fest, every yard is contested, where Ali is fighting Frazier, it’s like a kick to the groin. It wakes you up.
END OF 1ST.
BAMA 3-0.
Musburger ponders aloud? Where is Trent Richardson? They give the ball to number 42, whoever the hell that is.
They cut away to Richardson, the best running back in college standing on the sideline and nobody can explain why he is on the sideline. Is he hurt? Is he tired? Did he break a curfew violation between commercial breaks?
At 11:58 in the half, LSU blocks another field goal. It’s certainly a defensive struggle to this point. Starting to wonder if 2-and-a-half men is on somewhere in the DirecTv universe.
The hits are ferocious. I’m sure other fans are watching saying “my team could do better.” I don’t know. These are two NFL teams playing college football. I think this NFL team playing college football might just put your college football team in a wheel chair.
Bama is throwing the ball a lot.
“Smelley with the catch. That play was well sniffed out by LSU.” Funny line by Brent Musburger.
4:18 to go in the half. Bama hits another freaking field goal. Are you still watching? Are you wishing Oregon or Oklahoma State was playing?
Are you more excited about Tebow playing the Pats Saturday night?
LSU punts again. That’s 4 THREE AND OUTS.
Musburger says “they (LSU) burn a timeout, come up with another sloppy play and it continues”
Hey guess what? Another 41 yard field goal for Bama to end the half.
END OF 1ST HALF 9-0 BAMA.
My first half assessment.
BORING BORING BORING!
ESPN asks Nick Saban what he needs to do. “We need to score some touchdowns,” the stoic coach retorts. No S**T Sherlock.
Les Miles is a little more garrulous ; “it’s been interesting, we had fumbled snaps and cadence issues and we gotta chuck that and do what we came here to do.”
At halftime I check in to see what the counter programming is.
ABC is offering the bachelor and it is the dreaded rose ceremony. lots of blond babes and kisses and angry sniveling wenches watching on.
NBC is going with fear factor. I watch as an idiot jumps from a moving car into a moving school bus attached to a tether. It looks dangerous. I’m sure it is dangerous. And in 10 seconds, to me, Fear Factor is more action packed than the championship game.
I flip over to CBS: Mike and Molly is on. Nothing says counter programming like a fat cop and his fat girlfriend.
FOX is bringing another episode of HOUSE. And get this, Dr. House is recalcitrant and smarmy and talking about STD’s. Interesting plot line.
Back to ESPN and more coaching blah blah blah.
So far, not supremely impressed.
Makes me think a playoff system would sure be a better way to decide this whole thing.
On to the halftime show. A guy comes out his task is to nail a field goal.
He has a minute and 5 chances to hit a 40 yard field. If he does it he wins a boat and an RV and a home makeover.
The guy shanks it left, then left again, then short.
The crowd boos and it’s another Mayhem commercial.
Opening drive of the 3rd. Bama comes out all cylinders thumping. But then they stall and guess what? They bring out the field goal kicker yet again.
IT’S GOOD.
Jeremy Shelly 12. LSU nothing.
How many more Mayhem commercials must I watch. If this was a drinking game, I might be a big loopy.
It’s closing in on 9:30 CST and I’m begining to wish this game would speed up or end or both.
I just texted a friend “This game blows.”
Did i just write that? I did.
CBS is now showing hawaii Five O. ABC has Castle. I’d rather pick my nose with a snow blower. NBC has Rock Center with Brian Williams. Rock Center? Really? What a terrible title for a show.
ESPN shows a shot of Bourbon Street. it looks like a dirty cat box. Glad I’m not there.
Then the first major mistake of the game. At 6:59 to go in the 3rd, LSU QB Jefferson throws it away “a horrible mistake,” Musburger says.
Brent is right. Jordan Jefferson tosses the shovel pass forward, panicking, and it is intercepted.
Bama would seem to have the momentum.
A Sportscenter Break. RG3 says heisman trophy winner not sure if he will go pro. Go pro young man. Take the dollars.
Back to the game…
Jeremy Shelly, the junior from Raleigh N.C. comes out for another 41 yard field goal. The Bama kicker misses to the right. Such drama. Amazingly, LSU is still very much in this game.
1:15 to go in the 3rd. The closest thing to a scoring play is an incomplete pass by Bama at the one yard line.
Jeremy Shelley again on the field. It’s the Jeremy Shelley show. it’s pretty sick when a field goal kicker is the star of the damn game. This is a 45 yard attempt. It’s good. Bama is now up 15 to nothing.
I think Shelley is getting laid tonight.
“Now the heat is really on LSU,” Musburger says.
45 minutes and LSU converts their first 3rd down coversion.
Herbstreit “LSU looks lifeless.” They show the honey badger on the sideline. He looks like he has fleas in his honey.
“Alabama defense is playing like the 50 yard line is the goal line,” Musburger says alluding to the fact that LSU has yet to cross midfield.
That is pretty impressive, if you are interested in defensive stats, but I think America wants a barn burner that makes you want to watch. And this is a defensive clinic. Defense does win championships, but it don’t sell tickets, so they say.
“Never has there been a shut out in a BCS title game,” Musburger quips.
I hear America yawning and pulling the blankets up over their heads.
Best line of the night; “Fear the Tide Honey Badger.” Brent Musburger commenting on a punt where the LSU Heisman candidate has his gall bladder removed by the Bama punt return team.
The bump shot coming back from the commercial break is fun. It says welcome to New Orleans. It’s a fortune tellers room with lots of lights and purple nick nacks and spookiness.
“The Voodoo Spiritual temple established by Priestess Miriam,” Musburger says.
53 minutes into the game and the LSU QB crosses the fifty for the first time in the Championship Game.
Unbelievable. It really is a stagnating, collapsing, neutron star, black hole type defense. It would shut down some weak NFL teams. Bama is literally jacking up the number one team in the country.
With 6:30 seconds to go in the game, “Alabama has not had one penalty. This is a very special defensive performance,” Musburger says, once again capsulizing the unique quality of this Bama domination.
6:15 to go and the Tigers fumble. Bama recovers.
“This is a mauling folks! It’s a mauling.”
Musburger is on a roll, just like the Tide.
ESPN shows the crowd. Women with purple face paint are crying. Men stare quietly, in disbelief.
Thank God Bourbon Street is only a few blocks away Tiger fans. Go and drown your sorrows.
And to those of you who felt Oklhahoma State would have been a better game. We’ll never know, and it might have been fun, but I think they would have been decimated, perhaps humiliated. LSU has a special defense. They have also kept Bama’s offense in check. The Tide would have carved up a regular BCS college team tonight, beating them like a blanket on a back yard clothes line.
4:36 to go and finally, after 8 quarters in 2 games and a TD is scored between these two teams on a 34 yard TOUCHDOWN run by Trent Richardson. The LSU tiger fans begin to gather their beads and head for the exits. Richardson is the number one running back in the draft and its easy to see why. He is a mobile adonis with the balance of a cat burglar and the strength of a plow horse. He simply blows people up. He just blew up the dreams of the LSU tigers.
21-0 Bama.
Kind of sad when you think LSU was the number one team in college football since late summer. Now they look defeated and flat and like losers.
“There are a lot of LSU fans heading to Bourbon street. There are many empty seats. They don’t want to see the awarding of the trophy to their arch rival,” Musburger says.
The game is so one sided now, it is becoming more fun to watch. It’s like watching a motorcycle gang beat up an old lady with a walker. Suddenly, you realize that you might have just watched the best college defense ever play in the biggest game. It is a little chilling to think about.
Musburger ends the broadcast bringing up the tornado that destroyed much of Tuscaloosa.
“This is for the great people of Tuscaloosa,” he says.
It is a fitting way to end the broadcast.
ROLL TIDE
And that is crazy.