You know what’s crazy? I’ll tell you what’s crazy!
Man bites dog.
Think it’s just a colloquialism?
Not in Connecticut.
DATELINE West Haven, Conn.
Let me set the scene for you. According to police reports, a rocket scientist named Roderick Lewis, 23, allegedly approached a police officer on a West Haven street and yelled out “I need a bag of dust,”.
Was he referring to Pixie Dust like one of Peter Pan’s Lost Boys?
Was he carrying a feather duster looking to cleanse someone’s home?
No.
Lewis wanted a bag of Angel Dust also known as PCP. This drug is the craziest of drugs, turning your brain into a Swiss cheese souffle. PCP is a drug that tells you there is an escalator on the roof and all you have to do is step off the ledge and ride it down.
SPLAT
According to TV reports, the Dust Head walked toward the police officer and reached into the officer’s waistband. When the officer grabbed the man’s arms to restrain him, Lewis punched the officer in the face.
I know some things.
I know the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.
I know that when you stick a fork in an electrical socket you are going to have a bad hair day.
I know that when you punch a police officer in the face, you are probably about to see the inside of an emergency room
So the story goes, Onyx, the police dog, is watching his master get attacked.
Onyx is bored and Dust Head Lewis looks like lunch, so the k-9 jumps from the nearby police cruiser and grabs a hold of Lewis’ leg.
Here’s where the story takes a paradoxical fork in the road.
Normally, a police K-9 gets a hold of you, the referee drops to his knees and bangs the mat. It’s over.
Most suspects usually can’t wait to surrender and get that tax payer subsidized ride to the e.r. for mandatory stitches.
As they say, when a dog bites a man, it is not news, but when a man bites a dog….
send the live truck boys.
According to broadcast outlets, that’s when Mr. Lewis, opened his mouth, and bit back.
That’s right, he chomped down on the dog’s side.
Now I wasn’t there, but I have a vivid imagination.
Can you imagine the dog’s startled thoughts as suddenly this grease monkey of a suspect is suddenly chewing fur.
Onyx’s eyes grow wide. His primal urges tell him to find a hydrant and relieve himself.
But his police training dictates another course of action. He sees the snarling face of a guy juiced on PCP and he reacts.
The police dog tears as much flesh out of Lewis as is possible.
Lewis of course rips into the hairy flesh, and gets a mouthful of ringworm and flea powder.
It just doesn’t seem fair, and in a matter of time, it’s over.
The officer hits Lewis in the noggin, forcing the dust head to release his grip on the dog.
Lewis is quickly taken into custody where he is ultimately charged with assault on a police officer, disorderly conduct and cruelty to animals.
The story doesn’t say whether Lewis sustained any injuries, that is because Lewis is a duster and nobody cares about dusters.
This story ends in a lackluster way. I’m sorry.
If I had my druthers, I would have ended it like this.
The officer slugs Meth Head Lewis in the head. Dazed and confused, Lewis gets up and runs. Like a scene from NYPD Blue, the cops chase him as they dart through alleys and roll over the hoods of cars. Lewis finds an old tenement building and races up the stares. He grabs an old woman who is enjoying a splash of Southern Comfort and coke in the afternoon.
“Don’t come any closer,” he says to the anxious cops in the doorway, “Or I’ll vaporize the old woman.”
The officer sees that Lewis is only holding a stapler in his hand and realizing that the vaporization powers of a stapler are minimal he yells out something in German.
“ACHTUNG BABY”
Onyx bursts forward and grabs hold of Lewis’ neck. The jolt of the impact would make Line Backer ray Lewis proud as the force catapults the two through the kitchen window.
Smash.
The k-9 and the lunatic fall 20 feet to the pavement below. Luckily the dog lands on top of the dust head, breaking the animals fall.
Onyx stands, lifts his leg and urinates on the bad guy’s face.
Lewis is revived by the warm urine and realizes he is jacked up pretty good.
He lays there moaning as the officer arrives.
“That’s a good boy, Onyx. Good boy.”
Onyx wags his tails and waits for a scooby snack.
Some where off in the distance an ambulance can be heard racing to the scene to rush another non-insured douche bag to the hospital on the tax payers dime.
See there is no happy ending here.
Wait. This story needs a happy ending.
Ok, on the way to the hospital, the ambulance door unexpectedly opens on a hill. The gurney releases and rolls out the back. Suddenly Lewis is flying down the hill like a luger at the Olympics.
His gurney rolls into a nearby saw mill. Unbelievably, Lewis is cut in two and quickly packaged as a doll house being shipped to Taiwan.
Merry Christmas little Taiwanese girl.
And now there is one less Meth Head in the world.
Now that is a happy ending.
Crazy.