You know what’s crazy? I’ll tell you what’s crazy!
L O S T
The show on abc is seriously pissing me off.
I have watched this sci-fi Bull Crap for 6 seasons.
I have endured endless dead ends and story lines that make as much sense as Christmas tinsel coming out of your cat’s ass.
“how’d that get in there?”
I have questioned how Jack has performed major surgery using coco-nut husks. I have oogled Kate who fills out a soiled t-shirt like a stripper with a bad attitude. I wonder if Sawyer will ever shave. I have marveled at Hugo’s waistline which has grown since he crashed on this deserted island. And can you tell me why Said, who is an Iraqi, speaks the king’s English with an accent that would make the queen swoon. Can Charlie the rock star even play the guitar? Can Ben bleed any more than he does. Every episode he gets such a severe ass whoopin you wonder if he has enough platelets to survive the week.
There are so many characters you need a roster to keep them all straight. There are so many story lines, you need an abacus just to watch an episode. You never know if the show is going to be told chronologically or from the point of view of Captain James Tiberius Kirk.
The show uses a strange story telling mechanism of flash backs during flashbacks. After an hour of this visual strobe light, you feel like Sybil on a cocktail of hallucinogens.
I was going to give up on this televised crossword puzzle, but the adds promised me ANSWERS. The promos said the questions were over and the loose ends were going to be tied up.
OK L O S T I’ve paddled this far into the gator infested swamp with you. I am willing to go a few more episodes, but you gotta give me something.
Well we’re two episodes into the final season, and you know what? I am freaking pissed. The producers have added more characters and more story lines. It’s like finger painting in a convertible at 100 mph. The story lines are sloppy and all over the place. The episodes tie up the season like Tiger Woods asking his girlfriend to erase her cell phone message tied up his marriage.
Yeah right.
These L O S T bastards haven’t answered a freaking thing. In fact they have infuriated me more than ever with their appalling lies and insane story lines.
Suddenly the characters are in a temple with a bunch of crazies who came from nowhere. Kate is on the island doing one thing with the group, and simultaneously back in L.A. interacting with the same characters who she doesn’t know. It is all happening simultaneously like a flock of diarrhea filled seagulls flying over a French Cafe crapping on everything.
The island is John Locke and John Locke is now the island. He is a man but also a demon smoke monster. In pure L O S T style, it makes absolutely no sense.
The nucleus of the story now takes place at a temple that has grown out of the jungle aggressively like kudzu exploding out of the rough at Augusta.
There is a pool of life giving water. There is a fu man chu scientist who doesn’t talk English because he says the language sours his tongue.
There are poison pills and nonsensical banter that fills up the time between the commercials.
Hey L O S T producers; I’m at my rope’s end. If you don’t start bring me the answers you promised, I’m bailing on you. Tuesday night offers me a lot of options. I could watch the biggest loser. I could watch Modern Family. I could start shooting heroin. I could start my own habitat for humanity program. I could begin knitting socks for Dingos. I could cut my hair off in clumps with a steak knife. I could count to a billion by 2’s. I could memorize the capitols of all the former Eastern Block countries.
What I’m saying is that I am sick of being lied to. If you are going to tie it together then tie it together.
At least 24 concludes the season after 24 monotonous episodes, that could just as easily be told in 8. But hey, that’s another crazy rant for another day.
So this is it. I’m giving you one more hour to impress me abc or I’m going to tell my dvr to start recording the Jersey Shore instead. For me that’s like eating someone elses pre chewed gum.
Bring it producers, or else.
And That is Crazy.