You know what’s crazy? I’ll tell you what’s crazy!
Punxsutawney Phil’s preposterous predictions.
That’s crazy.
DATELINE; Punxsutawney, PA.
BREAKING NEWS: urinating rodent faces throng of drunk well wishers and sees shadow, yet again. Crowd turns ugly and assuages anger by eating raw ground hog meat.
In case you’ve been living in your own personal Ground Hog day; February 02, 2010, hundreds of inebriated denizens of stupid braved cold and darkness from a little burg called Gobblers Knob in Punssutawney, Pa.
I got nothing against Punxsutawney or Pennsylvania or Gobblers Knob, but I hate Phil.
I can count what I hate on one hand.
The Taliban, Jelly Fish, Pejorative eye rolls, fresh cat box poops and yes, I hate PHIL.
I hate this little rat of a possum. He’s a cock roach with fur. A hampster with a urinary tract infection. He calls himself a ground hog, but he’s really a waste of time.
I hate him because every year like celestial clockwork he emerges from his stupid little PHIL house and reminds me with pomp and pagentry that I am going to freeze my ass off for another 6 weeks.
I hate winter and I hate Phil.
Breaking news: February 2nd: Phil saw his shadow and forecast six more weeks of winter weather. Don’t put your boots away just yet. I say load them shot guns boys. It’s time to kill us some PHIL.
What bothers me is that Phil always sees his shadow. According to the numb nuts who celebrate this freak-fest, Phil has seen his shadow 98 times. He has only NOT SEEN HIS SHADOW 15 times. 9 times nobody knows what the hell PHIL saw. Maybe he was too busy shoving his own rat head up his own rat ass to see anything other than my dark contempt.
Come on Punxsawtawny, get real. Quick jerking my chain. 113 versions of wake up PHIL and 98 times he pisses himself? You have better odds guessing the powerball numbers in Vietnam than you do waking up to spring time courtesy of Phil.
According to the Pittsburgh Post Gazette: Phil’s weather predicting stems from a German tradition that says if a hibernating animal casts a shadow Feb. 2, the Christian holiday of Candlemas, winter will last another six weeks. Spring would come early if there is no shadow.
I’ll tell you what might change Phil’s tune. Tell the little rabies carrying disease bag that if he doesn’t predict warmth, and soon, we’re sicking the hounds on him. See Phil run! Now I’m attending this February Fest.
Hang in there people. Just 42 more days of ice and snow and rear ending the guy in front of you.
Thanks Phil, you rat bastard!