You know what’s Crazy? I’ll Tell you what’s crazy.™
A bunch of 300 pound football players standing in the middle of the practice field looking for a fifty thousand dollar diamond.
A fifty thousand dollar diamond lost in the grass?
How is that even possible?
DATELINE: DAVIE, Fla.
According to published reports; several Miami Dolphins spent the day crawling across the field with their faces inches above the grass. Were they watering the soil with their gigantic sweat glands? Were they thoroughly exhausted? Were they trying to inhale worm dung?
Nope. Nothing that complicated. They were just looking for a diamond earring.
You know these football guys like to show off the BLING.
They wear diamond grills on their teeth like chrome on a 67 Cadillac . They dangle chunks of gold on their necks bigger than country ham. But they usually leave that bling in the locker when practice starts.
Not defensive end Kendall Langford. He said he forgot to take his earrings off before practice and lost a diamond during drills.
That’s 2.5 carats of stupid. Estimates put it at 50,000!
Can you say: COME ON MAN!
In your every day, non NFL existence, would you even wear a piece of jewelry worth $50,000? Most of us own $50,000 thousand worth of bling, it’s in the safe deposit box wrapped in barbed wire.
But Kendall Langford is a football player and normal existence isn’t normal.
He decided to pull a tight fitting helmet on and off and on and off of his big ass head. His ears bent and his skin sweat and somewhere along the line, he lost 2.5 carats of bling. I don’t think K-lang is stupid. No he just doesn’t give a damn. He lives in a world you only watch on MTV cribs. It illustrates how these athletes live in a different financial zip code than the rest of us.
To Langford, losing $50,000 dollars is probably like you losing $20 dollars. It hurts, but you’ll get over it.
SPORTSCENTER was filled with video of these players, behemoths of athleticism, and stewards of stupid, standing in socks and gingerly walking across the grass trying to feel the prized rock with their elephant sized toes.
Some players had rakes and were sifting through the grass trying to scoop it up, like 50,000 dollar poop in a cat box.
The funniest reaction I saw came from Wide Receiver
Chad Ocho-Cinco who tweeted to the Dolphin jokingly that he’d send him a 10 dollar gift card to Claires. That’s because the Cincinnati wide receiver sports huge rocks on his ears, but he says they are fakes that cost under 10 dollars.
“I’ve got a great group of guys out here helping me — family-type guys,” Langford said.
Langford finally abandoned the search — temporarily, at least — because he was due at a team meeting. In addition, the grounds crew had started mowing the grass.
You know that one of these lawn jockeys pulling in 8 bucks an hour is going to see something shimmering in the tall grass and pocket the gem.
Then it’s off to the local pawn shop for a little cash reward.
That’s OK, by dinner, Mr. Langford has all ready forgotten the lost booty. You see it’s monopoly money to a pro athlete. He’ll make about $650,000 on his next bi-weekly pay check and suddenly losing a diamond earring won’t seem so problematic.
And that is crazy.