You know what’s crazy? I’ll tell you what’s crazy!
American Idol is crazy.
I know you watch it. I know your kids watch it. Cripes, tens of millions of people watch this show every week.
It’s the musical bible that all other musical competition shows are judged by.
American Idol is the machine that cranked out Carrie Underwood and Daltry Kelly Pickler.
But lately the schlock getting pumped out is like so much televised sausage getting shoved into a sack and thrown onto the grocery store shelf with some nice packaging.
After Fantasia and some guy named Chris I said forget this crap.
I tuned out. I started watching whatever else was on. American Idol got so bad I started watching NASA TV.
Watching the space shuttle circle the planet was more entertaining than whatever Idol was doing.
But I’m flipping through the channels tonight and I find myself watching FOX.
It’s got to be the first time in 3 maybe 4 years that I have tuned in.
It’s in New Jersey and I’ll admit its intriguing.
Steven Tyler is a new judge. His voice is sandpaper cool. He looks like a rocker with a grizzled face and funk-a-fied hair. He is an electric spark of inspiration and he seems perfect for this role, especially when he starts singing along with the contestants.
J-Lo is slimmed down and looks hot. I’m not into all that
booty-licious banter, so a rocking hard J-Lo is a good J-Lo.
What I like about her is her inner honesty. She is pure and seems to care for each contestant as a person, even if they sing like a festering pimple.
And then there’s Randy Jackson. He is funk-a-delic in his Harry Potter sweater and thick glasses. Yo Yo Dog!
I laughed out loud a couple of times when they sent out a parade of
imbeciles who sang so bad glass cracked.
There was some guy named Michael, singing proud Mary. It was crazy bad, but what was worse than his vocals was how he burped when he was nervous. Of course I had to watch a montage of Burps.
BURP! BURP! BURP!
I’m just nervous he kept saying.
HUH?
Can you imagine expelling gas every time you got nervous.
Oh my God the light turned red. slam on the brakes. BURP.
Oh no, there’s a cop behind me. BURP.
Oh I forgot to put on deodorant. BURP.
This guy was bad and disgusting at the same time, but definitely interesting TV.
“Did you eat a lot of paint chips as a child?” Steven Tyler asked him.
He laughed, but inside I saw he was tormented. I imagine he is back in his dark lair of Pastrami sandwiches and Tiger Beat Magazines cutting out pictures of Steven Tyler and pasting them on his wall with push pins.
It was all pretty funny, and the judges started to laugh, because when someone is bleeding from their rectums vocally, it is funny.
But the show is lacking something, and I think the something that’s missing is Simon.
Simon was a thorn in your eye if he didn’t like you. He used the king’s English to disarm you with brutal charm, then a linguistic scalpel to cut out your heart.
His honesty was so vicious, he made a wrecking ball look sedate.
J-Lo just doesn’t have the guts to pull the trigger and say; “girl you stink, you have no talent, now go home and start flipping burgers.”
“Please give me a golden ticket. Please give me a golden ticket.”
New Jersey auditions were insane. It was jersey Shore with a truck driver accent. It was big starched hair and people oblivious to their own ineptitude.
All in all, the show was entertaining, but I have a feeling I’ll be watching Modern Family next week.
Yo Yo Dog.
And that is Crazy.