You know what’s crazy? I’ll tell you what’s crazy™
Everybody’s got a momma.
A buddy told me that after a scum bag was killed.
“Who could we even get to talk about him?” I ask.
“Everybody’s got a momma,” he replied.
It was brilliant in its simplicity.
Even if a guy is human detriment, he’s got a mother. Even if he is the skuzzy sauce that forms gelatinous goo on old chicken casserole sealed in the fridge, that piece of human filth still has a momma.
Most moms love their babies. They see something good, they share a bond, they gave life to a child who was given life.
It’ s rare.
I’ve used that lesson many times as I bang on the door of a thousand perps.
I’ve knocked on so many doors they often run together like a festering wound.
Today I knock on the door of another sick man.
He is not a killer or a child rapist, that we know of.
He is not a felon or on the sex offender registry, yet.
But this man is a societal concern.
He is a 53-year-old wanted for indecent exposure.
He is an ugly comb over of a man, a stomach too big and face too awkward kind of man. He looks like a pumpkin that is rotting. He has eyes that stare past you on his driver’s license. He was born to have a mug shot photo.
In the world of crime, this guy is a mosquito that needs to be squashed.
Yet somewhere this jerk off has a momma.
I will come to learn, he lives with his mother and sponges off her in their tiny two bedroom apartment.
I’m looking for the rotting pumpkin man because he felt compelled to drive through a neighborhood of single family homes and well manicured lawns and do something despicable.
He saw the American Pie family, driving up to them slowly like a shark stalking prey. His zipper was undone, his laughable manhood exposed for the world to see.
He watched from the comfort of his Pathfinder till he found the soccer mom with the 2 elementary age kids walking back from the ice cream man.
That’s when he waved at the mom, with a fiendish smile.
The woman, thinking he was a neighbor, smiled back.
The perv drives near enough for her to see. He gazes down toward his crotch and his seedy secret is exposed.
He is diabolical and proud. She is horrified and afraid.
Thankfully her children are too busy eating ice cream to notice the insult to humanity.
She pulls out her cell phone and dials 911.
The car drives away as the woman gets the man’s license number.
Everyone has a momma.
Thankfully these kids had a mother who is a watch dog of societal conscious. She quickly ushers them home to safety.
It’s over, right?
Surprisingly, the pervert returns a few hours later.
It’s as if he is stalking the woman. Why is he back? What nerve? How dangerous is this guy?
The woman says she is out talking to a neighbor when she sees him. Again, he smiles at her.
Scary. What audacity? Why has he returned?
She is incensed. She runs. But not to away. No, the woman is so angry, concerned, she runs after the Pathfinder. He drives away, just fast enough so she can’t catch him. He taunts her.
She calls 911, again.
The deputies come and she tells her story. She describes the man and gives them the license number. They show her a state i.d. and she says, “Yes that is the pervert.”
Now detectives know who they are looking for. He’s a 53-year-old sorry ass gutter snipe who lives with his momma.
Everybody has a momma.
Authorities say this man fits he description of 3 other incidents in bordering cities.
Imagine that? More crimes associated with this bottom feeder.
So I go to the man’s home.
I knock on his door.
A sweet little lady answers. It’s his momma.
She invites me inside.
I feel this is inappropriate and tell her I’m looking for her son.
She hesitates, but doesn’t slam the door.
Perhaps she was raised right by a mother who cared.
So what happened to her boy?
“Is your son home?” I ask.
“No,” she says. “You have the wrong person.”
“Do you have a kind word you could tell me about him?”
“Of course I do,” she says.
“He’s not here. I tried to get him myself.”
“I’m sorry. You have the wrong person.”
And with that she closes the door.
The wrong person?
Everyone has a momma.
Her son is a perv, a perp, a regurgitative speck on the evolutionary chart.
But as close as he is to the missing link, a swamp thing, a slimy amphibious stain on society, he still has a momma.
His momma knows he is troubled, but she still loves the part of him that was once small and pure.
Everyone has a momma.
I feel bad for bothering the old lady. I tried to be respectful, knowing that she loves her son, even though he will soon be caught and charged with multiple counts of indecent exposure and who knows what else.
Thankfully he hasn’t hurt anyone that we know of.
He has a momma.
Soon his momma will get to visit him in jail.
Life’s crazy™