You know what’s Crazy? I’ll tell you what’s crazy.
Olympic figure skating.
The judging is crazy. The outfits are crazy. The theatrical face make up worn by some of the men is downright emasculating.
I was at the work-out club the other day, cleaning and jerking a few hundred pounds when suddenly this vein poppin, testicle shrinkin, juiced up weight lifter says:
“What’s up with the costumes in men’s figure skating. They’re so fruity.”
And there you have it! In the din of metallic free weights slamming against each other. In the mirrored sanctuary of muscle sculpting. In the male dominated bastion of testosterone; A man dripping with sweat blurts out, “What about figure skating?”
What about figure skating?
DATELINE: VANCOUVER
After American Evan Lysacek wins the gold medal, Russian Evgeni Plushenko starts pouting like a little girl whose Barbie Dolls were taken away.
This controversy stems over a skating manuever called a quad and something called artistic interpratation.
Apparently the bad boy of Russia landed a “Quad” which is a four rotation jump. No doubt that is a difficult manuever that only Dradles and top skaters can master.
The problem I am told from an avid female viewer is the rest of the Russian’s program was pedestrian, chock full of miscues.
Then there’s the American, Lysacek, who couldn’t land a quad if you spotted him two more testicles. With a scalp dripping with hair product, the young man fills his long program with a variety of triple Lutzes, toe loops and axels. His routine sparkles prettier than a Christmas Tree under a black light. Lysacek is smooth as silk and glides over the ice like hot fudge melting over vanilla ice cream.
The crowd loves it, and more importantly, the judges reward him for it.
GOLD!
But the Russian Bad Boy of figure skating says the sport should be more about athleticism than artistry. And because it is sport, the “Quad” should be weighed more heavily in athletic competition, than even a multitude of Triples.
Every single Vodka guzzling alcoholic from the Arctic Circle to the Black see agrees, including the country’s bad ass, gangsta-wanna be, prime Minister, Vladimir Putkin.
Figure skating is certainly demanding and the competitors exceedingly talented. In my estimation, these men are top notch athletes who do what few humans can. But to say that men’s figure skating is all about athleticism is like saying Vegas is all about the Free shrimp cocktails. We all know that plunging neck lines and bling are part of the experience.
The problem with sports like ice skating and gymnastics is that it is interpreted by human judges.
Michael Phelps hits the wall first he wins. No questions asked. You don’t need to know what music he’s playing in his ipod. Bodie Miller skis faster than the Norwegian dude, Miller wins. It doesn’t matter if his hair is on fire or he has a salami hanging out of his mouth. Speed wins. Check the clock.
But in ice skating, as Billy Crystal once said, It is better to look good than to skate good.
So for Plushenko to say it is all about athleticism is hardly honest. He only said that because he got the Silver. The judges take into account a skater’s artistry and ice dancing. The judges get caught up in the music and the rhymic clapping of the audience. They pick up on the vibe of the crowd and get caught up in the tidal wave of emotion that a routine can generate. Why else would a perfectly normal looking man take off his perfectly normal looking sweat suit to reveal a black spandex, skin tight outfit with flames of frolicking pink? It’s theatrical and eye popping. You don’t see Jamaica’s Usain Bolt, the world’s fastest human wearing a pink boa around his neck do you?
Of course there is artistry in figure skating
The same female ice skating enthusiast who councils me in such matters says the men over the top like this so the skater can be seen from the upper levels of the arena. Oh Really? is this where the judges sit?
To the Russians I say go hump a polar bear and shut up. You don’t have to like the Silver Medal, but you should be a good sport about winning it. We could complain about those big hats you wear in the winter, but we don’t.
If you really want to complain about something, how about curling.
WTF?
Don’t you have to perspire if you are an Olympic athlete. The women curlers seem to be beer drinking Wisconsin sorority girls who sweep some ice and hover down the track endlessly in slow motion. They are as much athlete as Dunkin Donuts is health food.
Curling? Try watching that from the treadmill with the sound down. I’d rather watch people bake bread on the food channel.
And while you Russians are bitching, what the hell do you think of cross country skiing and target shooting combined into one colossally crazy event. Where in life do you Nordic ski with a rifle strapped to your back, only to suddenly lay down in the snow and shoot tin cans. If you saw this athlete running in your sub division you’d call the cops.
And while you drunk Ruskies are complaining, I wonder where all the snow is? Did anyone check the farmer’s Almanac before giving Vancouver the nod on the Winter Olympics. The temps are hovering in the forty’s even low 50’s. It’s raining not snowing. They’re having to air lift snow from mountains far away.
I’ve seen better precip at the slushy machine at the corner 7-11.
They could have held the luge last week on the front lawn of the Capitol.
And finally: The USA snowboarding team rocks, but their apparel is weird. Who thought that dressing in water resistant outfits that look like denim was a good idea. I feel like our snow boarders are ranch hands looking for a place to warm up a tin of baked beans. They’re snow boarders. They are X generation wild. Get bold and bright and bust a groove. What can we expect in four years? Suede?
So to you sour grapes Russians, my advice is to shut the hell up. You simply put too much pressure on yourself when your government proclaimed that 30 gold medals was doable.
Yeah doable if you’re talking about the Vodka Olympics of Leningrad. Then you guys are the Gold medal winners, no doubt!
And that is crazy.