You know what’s crazy? I’ll tell you what’s crazy.
Some of the sports that pass for sports at the Olympics.
Is it about money? It must be. Is it about bringing more athletes to the games? I guess so. In my estimation, so many questionable sports are Olympic venues that it is dilluting the overall Olympic product.
Yes the Olympics is about more than just sport. It’s about competition, and realizing dreams and bridging the divide between nations and people who don’t know each other well.
But the Olympics is also about television ratings and national pride and declarations of podium appearances. And the more sports you have, regardless of how insane, the more chance tiny countries like Butt-Head-istan, can win a medal.
But when you are watching on tv, it’s about the sports. And in the world of Crazy these just don’t qualify:
ICE DANCING: This so-called sport has put me to sleep two nights in a row. It’s televised prosac. Is it even a sport? If it’s a sport so to is going to the refrigerator during commercials of Dancing with the Stars. If Ice Dancing can be a sport, why can’t beer bonging chilled tequilla be an olympic sport? I am not stupid, I realize there is a high degree of athleticism to glide across a frozen pond so masterfully. I realize that skating backwards with your skate over your shoulder is not something that most humans can do. It’s the presentation that pisses me off. Ice dancing is pure theater. It’s a spectacle. It’s costumes and makeup and music. It’s the crowd clapping while a man and a woman dirty dance across the ice at 20 MPH. Most of the routines are cheesy, a cross between off-Broadway and Community theater. I can see ice dancing in the Campbell Soup ice capades in Demoisne, but the Winter Olympics in Vancouver? The competitors are wearing cowboy chaps and French Maid outfits. They have tassels and feathers. Are they figure skaters or pole dancers? I’m not sure that anything was more ridiculous than the Russian ice dancers dressed as Australian Aboriginies. The performers had leaves glued to their skates for goodness sakes. I can see why the aboriginal tribes protested. It made them look like woosies. We should all protest. If I want to see this kind of spectacle, I’ll go see Circue De Solei thank you very much.
CURLING: It’s like slo-motion hypnotism. These average looking women who are muffin topping over their lycra pants move like medicated tortoises. I’d rather watch someone with the dry heaves than this so-called sport. The only drop of sweat produced between a recent match of USA and Scandanavian Curlers came when someone told the U.S. delegation the pizza delivery boy couldn’t find the venue. That caused some nervous energy. 40 pound stones gliding down ice with two beer wenches sweeping furiously is not an Olympic sport, it’s called a Friday night in Milwaukee.I don’t understand curling, but it is strangely hard to turn away. I loathe it, but feel compelled to watch. It reminds me of shuffel board that my eighty year old grandfather played with the fellas in Miami. If my grandpa can compete in a sport, should that sport really be in the olympics? That’s all I’m asking.
TWO MAN BOB SLED: I put this on this list because of the 2nd man. One man bob sled, that’s a sport. But that 2nd guy, that’s when things get a little iffy for me. I think it takes cajones to get in a fiberglass sled and rocket down an unpredictable course that killed a man before the opening ceremony even began.What I don’t like is the guy in the rear who pushes for 50 yards and then jumps in the back and ducks his head into his partner’s ass. The rear man sees nothing but his partners butt crack. The guy in the rear doesn’t know if his own head is going to be shoved up his or his partner’s ass because he literally competes like an ostrich with his head buried in the bottom of his sled. I think if you are going to compete in the olympics you should have to see yourself competing. You should not be allowed to compete in a sport that requires you to close your eyes to sled at 80 mph. If they are going to continue this ridiculous sport, then put a window in the side of the sled so the rear can at least see the crowd flying by. That’s the least we can do.
BIATHALON: There’s no doubt that this sport requires athleticism and stamina. What I don’t like is the fact that you ski and ski and ski, then you lay down and shoot and shoot and shoot. It seems like a made up Olympic sport. It’s almost like it was created as a favor to some rich dude who likes to cross country ski and kill foxes. I mean what is next? ski jumping and shooting: This where ski jumpers at the height of their jump pull out a pistol and begin shooting people in the crowd who get to shoot back. How bout snowboard-cross where the snow boarders pull out brass knuckles and punch each other as they manuver down the hill. How about ice dancing and Biathalon. Now this might be worth watching. A sexy hot French maid skater bends over backward, pulls a small pistol from her thigh high leggings and starts shooting judges. This would be a show that jack Bauer could endorse.
Look, I’m rooting for anyone wearing a Red White and Blue uniform. If they make wisdom tooth yanking an olympic sport, I’m yelling for the American Dentist. Yank that tooth you son-of-a-bitch!!!
I’m just as American as the next guy so yo ho ho America, I like to say.
I just think some sports aren’t sports and should be left for late night competitions on ESPN 2 right after billiards, bowling and poker.
and that is crazy!