You know what’s crazy? I’ll tell you what’s crazy!™
Sitting next to your beloved, trapped on a highway to Hell.
Tick Tock. Tick Tock.
How long before you just can’t take it anymore and you turn to face the love of your life and you scream:
“Get the hell out of this car! I hate you!”
“But we’re doing 60mph”
“I know. Get out.”
Your brain is on fire, angry, like that Scene from the Shining where Jack Nicholson is chopping his way through the door with a fire ax.
“Here’s Johnny!”
What am I talking about?
Well apparently there is a study out that says a majority of couples fight while they drive together and apparently those fights begin on average, 22 minutes into the drive.
Think about the ambience of the automobile. It’s not exactly a stress free zone.
Stop and go traffic. Other motorists cutting you off and flipping you the bird. The radio station she loves and you hate.
“Your blinker is still on,” she says razor blades slicing into your eyes. “Why is your blinker still on?”
“Because I want to make a left turn off this cliff and forever silence that grating sound that is your voice,” you reply in the cauldron that is your mind.
You getting my drift?
Apparently there’s as much combustion going on in the cock pit of your car as there is under the hood.
Perhaps it starts in the driveway, Perhaps at the Dairy Queen on the edge of town. But new studies indicate that it takes little more than the live version of Stairway to Heaven before World War III breaks out over the center console
According to the Daily Mail, the average couple will have an argument 22 minutes into a car journey together.
22 minutes and let the fireworks of foul mouthed contempt begin.
22 minutes is no big deal if you are only driving 22 minutes. But what if you are driving to South Bend Indiana and there is nothing to look at but corn. That’s 7 hours of anger, of simmering, boiling, get your elbow off the arm rest that’s near me, consternation.
22 minutes? How do they know something so esoteric?
Well, as you are quickly seeing in my crazy world, there is no study that somone won’t commission. Before the end of days, we will know every trivial, who cares thing in this world. We will know how long hampster poop is and what makes women want to buy shoes. We will study why men fart and sniff their fingers and why all women look good when the bar tender shouts; “Last call for alcohol.”
There are studies for studies. This is another one of them.
Of the 3,000 motorists surveyed by a Spanish car company,
71-percent have had a serious arguement with their signifcant other.
What constitutes serious? In America perhaps it’s a lot of hand gesturing. In Nome Alaska, maybe it involves the spillage of whale blubber. In Greece it could revolve around the inappropriate groping of live goats.
I’m just saying, you don’t have to get in the ring with Mike Tyson to lace em up.
All you need is a steering wheel, a windshield wiper and somewhere to go; and Put up your dukes.
According to this stupid survey, the most frequent cause of disputes was getting lost, with 44 percent of respondents saying fights over directions were a problem for them.
“You missed your turn?”
“Yeah, well those jeans make your ass look fat”
Finding a parking spot came second with 37 percent getting irked in parking lots
“Don’t let that woman take that spot. Put on your blinker.”
“Did I tell you that your voice causes blisters to fester inside my ears?”
Other issues?
Driving too quickly, too slowly or too aggressively.
“Don’t let that person cut in front of you”
“Do you have a pen I could jam into my eye?”
The study indicates nearly a quarter of couples won’t drive with each other. Some say they get so frustrated they have literally pulled the car over and refused to resume driving until their partner gets out.
Talk about Radar Love? I love you so much I need you to get the F out of this car and start walking.
“Many journeys can be stressful if you get caught up in traffic or can’t find your way. But it seems much of the stress is caused by our own partner when we are behind the wheel,” said a survey spokesman.
Stressful? Really?
You think riding 3 feet away from the person who causes your stomach to bleed internally is stressful? You think that my life partner constantly nagging me to drive faster and slower and don’t hit the blind guy in the cross walk is cause for agitation?
Oh I’m agitated all right.
I’m a bass-o-matic of frustration, driving amongst fools with an idiot for a navigator.
That is why I am taking the bold stance of recommending that you never ride share with your spouse again.
Take two cars. Waste the gas. Put the wear and tear on your brakes your shocks your tires.
Go ahead and stick a dagger in Al Gore’s heart and ruin the environment.
The life you save on that bloody highway might just be your own.
Remember: take off your wedding ring and run for the border. Just make sure your significant other isn’t in the passenger seat as you speed to a life of endless sunsets and margarita parties.
And that is crazy.