You know what’s crazy? I’ll tell you what’s crazy!™
Less is More.
Or is it?
Remember when Less was less and More was More.
Those were the days.
By the transitive properties of philosophical rationalization, Less should mean Less.
If I put LESS Ex-Lax in my buddy’s Frosted Flakes, chances are he spends less time on the toilet.
If I yell LESS at the neighborhood kids, I have LESS chance they will continue to set dog crap on fire on my front porch.
If you burp LESS on a first date, there’s LESS chance of you leaving the restaurant by yourself.
It’s simple, right? Less is Less.
By the same token, More has always been More.
The MORE your French Speedo reveals, the MORE a woman’s gag reflex is activated.
The MORE you pass gas in a loaded van, the MORE you need a farm animal to blame the smell on.
It’s simple. More and Less. They are the ying and yang of extremes and moderation.
LESS cupcakes for Rosie O’Donell is MORE good news for her downstairs neighbor.
LESS stories about Lindsay Lohan binge drinking is MORE chance to fill a newscast with stories of Brittney Spears binge drinking.
NEWSFLASH! Those wacky people who study things for a living have decided to rock the boat yet again.
THEORM: LESS sleep means MORE life.
What?
You heard me right. Scientists with too much public money and time on their hands are now questioning a previous study that said: sleep less – die sooner! This new study indicates that sleeping as little as 5 hours a night may be good for you.
By now, you know how I love these studies.
Coffee is bad. Coffee is good.
Chocolate is fattening. Chocolate melts away the pounds.
Alcohol kills. Alcohol improves blood flow and a woman’s beauty at last call.
Hot dogs are filled with the entrails of pigs. Hot dogs are stuffed with the entrails of pigs.
OK, that study has stood the test of time, but ….
My point is, if you allow enough time to pass, another study will emerge that disproves the study that preceded it.
Back to the sleep study. We all like to sleep. We like getting eight hours a night. We like to sleep in. We like restful sleep and peaceful sleep. We like to ask each other if we slept well. Sleep is the universal constant. It is the common bond between man and beast.
Now, scientists are trying to say that sleeping as little as five hours a night could be good for you rather than triggering an early death as an earlier study predicted.
According to published reports: Previous research suggested that getting less than eight hours could put a strain on your heart and lead to premature death.
I think that sleep study might have been confused with not paying gambling debts and dating Russian Hookers.
According to published reports: The medical journal in Sleep Medicine followed almost 444 women over a 14-year period and found that that those who slept between 5 – 6.5 hours a night were the most likely to be still alive.
That’s it? 14 years, 444 women? Likely to be alive?
Are you Sleep Medicine Journal people sleeping at your keyboards?
That’s your study? Who the hell paid for that? Let me guess. The American Tax Payer. You could have been making grilled cheese sandwiches and giving them to starving kids. Instead you take my money and shove this down my throat?
Your sleep study makes the coffee is bad, i mean good, i mean who knows seem like Newtonian Physics.
To be fair, (and who the hell needs to be fair in the World of Crazy) The study by scientists at the University of California San Diego School of Medicine for 14 years folowed 444 female respondents ages 50 to 81 showing that those who have a habit of sleeping for 5 to 6.5 hours have quite a long life.
The study refutes a previous study that bluntly stated LESS than 7 hours a night might cause MORE heart disease and MORE death.The study concluded, People who sleep five or six hours may be reassured.
Reassured of what? That they will be tired in the morning? That they will have big bags under their eyes? That they will be grouchy.
You ask me, a grouchy guy who is tired with big bags under his eyes is going to die way faster than a guy who gets 8 hours.
Crazy Scenario: If a sleep deprived guy is driving a city bus and he doesn’t see another sleep deprived, baggy eyed guy stumbling through a cross walk against the light which just turned red, then:
BAM
STUDY OVER!
MORE DEAD GUYS.
LESS SLEEPY GUYS.
The CRAZY INSTITUTE FOR SLEEP DISORDER AND MONKEY BRAIN DYSFUNCTION has done its own study:
1. sleep is good.
2. sleep is your friend.
3. the inside of your eye lids are nicer to look at than the outside of
your eye lids.
4. snore when you sleep. Who cares you are asleep.
5. get 8 hours every night. Don’t do anything the next day till you
get 8 hours. If that means rolling into work late or forgetting to
feed the kids then be my guest. You need your rest.
6. Sleep with your clothes off and the blankets at your ankles. This
will decrease the chances that someone who was going to wake
you will actually touch you to get you out of bed.
Now I don’t have a PHD like the fecal bacteria squadron at the Sleep Institute, but then again, my study has as much merit as their study, and it didn’t cost you the Crazy American Tax Payer a bloody cent.
That my friends is what we need.
MORE free crazy studies.
LESS scientists confusing me in an all ready confusing world.
Now go get some sleep. It’s dangerous out there.
And that is crazy!