You know what’s crazy? I’ll tell you what’s crazy.™
A movie where Abe Lincoln is a vampire killer.
That’s as wrong as a naked Rosie O’Donnel hugging you after running a marathon.
Vampire killing presidents? Has Hollywood just given up?
Who writes a movie about Abe Lincoln fighting vampires? A drunken scribe with a propensity for booze and plagarism.
Who would green light such an insidious premise. A money hungry stain with no sense of history or respect, that’s who.
I would rather watch Fletch meets Starsky and Hutch 500 times in black and white on a standard def tv than watch Abe Lincoln Vampire Hunter even once.
I understand MIB 4 and Iron Man 3. These are bankable commodities. They aren’t pushing the envelope, they aren’t churning new ideas, they are basically milking the cash cow of previous success.
But ABE LINCOLN Vampire Hunter?
This idea has less credibility than Snookie – mother of the year.
The movie could be great, but I doubt it. And I all ready hate it.
After all, it focuses on one of this nation’s greatest presidents. If it was about the president who lived in a log cabin, or freed the slaves or kept the Union together during the civil war, then I’m all in.
But I’m all out. The movie is a farce, portraying the man in the stove pipe hat as a secret super hero battling the undead.
Ree-freakin-dick-you-luss!!
The commercial I’m watching right now opens up with a shot of the white house and a shadowy Abe Lincoln stepping into the light.
It’s cinematic vomit at its best.
The graphic reads: Our nation’s greatest battle will be fought between the living and the dead.
Wasn’t 620,000 Americans dieing a pretty calamitous loss?
In between full screen text, the action shows an ax wielding honest Abe and cannon fire and battle field destruction.
Then you see a chiseled, hunky Abe Lincoln battling Vampires.
He’s swinging his ax like Bruce Lee using nun-chucks. Tim Burton is the director and he has honest Abe doing martial art style cart wheels.
How does he keep his hat on Martha?
The only thing Abe Lincoln Vampire Hunter is missing is a bicep bulging Arnold as the 16th president of the USA shouting;
“Four Score and Seven Years ago”
“This nation shall not perish from the Earth,” Abe shouts on the campaign stump.
Then honest Abe rips a zombie’s head off amidst canon fire and destruction.
The spot ends with the announcer saying: Save man kind Mr. Lincoln.
Rated R In theaters everywhere June 22nd.
Puh – Lease!
What’s next?
A spandex wearing wearing Ronald Regan shooting webs out of his sleeves.
How about Bat Man returns featuring Dwight D. Eisenhower and his cigarette carrying utility belt.
Presidents are presidents! Like them – hate them – respect them.
But come on, vampire hunting?
It just seems that some Hollywood studio head should have more common sense.
Instead of hunting vampires, they should stay busy hunting real scripts.
And that is crazy.™